Arkemvoj TIMES, Sunday, April 25, 1976 Bizarre Diplomacy Is Illustrated (EDITOR'S NOTE: Now that] . "Doonesbury's" Uncle Duke is: "Â·"ourambassador to China; interest in/his diplomatic beginnings .1 Â· - is on Ihe increase. "TALKS F R O M T H E M A R G A R K T MEAD TAPROOM" presents the 7 complete visual account ot his "'Â·Â·-' tenure as governor of American Samoa. Â· Bui the book serves other """'-' purposes as well. It is, an ptf- Â·" l - beat chronicle of cultural im- 3 'Â·Â· perialism in American Samoa an incredibly lunatic voyage to ;Â«;? that, island, and a highly 1 sub Â· t^'jecUSte portrait oE Pulitzer Prize X winner Garry B. Trurteau done f^ by the well-known acerbic wit, X* Nicholas von Hoffman. .Â£;. Tfieir t r i p pointed out thai 'Â·** Uncle Duke's whimsical Samoa fev wa$_'too closely paralleled by Â·Â·.' the real character ot the island 0-- that, indeed, American Samoa 3*H may -well be the last weak *':J stronghold of American i *Â·' i perialism. As a consequence, ias absorbed most of what is Â·izarre in (he U.S. This excerpt from the book -- published today by Shccd and Ward -- relates on why .he trip came about and then ocuses on Sherry O'Sulllvan who is benl on setting Samoans 'reeO , By NICHOLAS VON HOFFMAN 'and G A R R Y B. TRUDEAU Garrybaldi wanted lo go tc Samoa because Ihe Nanlucket Kiteman had made up a batch of special South Sea kites There were other reasons. ,. He'd drawn and written ex t e n s i v e 1 y about American Samoa,.so now it was time to do some research oh the sub ject. Today's responsible jour nalism demands that you hav your facts right, it not betor you go to print, at least alter ward. Garrybaldi is a B-52 pilo of Ihe drawing board. He ma drop them blind from ten mile up, hut he likes t o - g e t dow . TÂ£UMt, AVl60-mi/'P sv^ ACWAia, iMWsr SIMS- \VW GOTNAMÂ£P*Hlf!OHITO' v i em Mammy, m KKftfTSHfl-POffOH MW/NS Ml WW. AFTK m Ihe ground occasionally [o iheck oul the damaga. 'I had my reasons, loo, but don't remember them. I do remember calling Garrybaldi tram a motel Â· room 1 Â· in Austin. Texas, at four o'clock in the morning to inquire what was up and being told that he was going to Samoa. I.must have said, I'll come too, and pre- sunied one or the other of us would be sensible enough lo chicken oul. As the younger and Â± more mature person it was up to him to do so, and since he didn't, the responsibility tor the prose part of this work" is mostly his. ELIZABETH ASHLEY, our leader, the Delta (Juccn. our star, asked -only, tor (1) an island, (2) while sandy beaches, (3) palm trees, and (4) .sun. She got what she asked for only not in even amounts. .There were three days of sun. 175 degrees on' the beach, then the rains came for six days,- and then we left. Until she hit Samoa. I.lz thought she had an affinity for tropical islands, that she and thev got along together, but her experience had been all Caribbean where they are u s e d to gringos and they don't have the cocktail lounges like E\ alirii's where they're "featuring Ken. A Professional Bartender From Los Angeles." :, Only Garrybaldi and I came home limping. I was cured by room service al the Beverly Wilshire. He put himself in the Yale University Hospital iri New Haven, where his fellow Old Blues couldn't figure out what was wrong with him though they sent hirri a huge bill anyhow. They discharged him out onlo the streets sick and shaking, but three days without medical attention cured him. ALL HIT IT. "ffliVACAO 10 Â·ARRIVtN TINA SUMS, t HINISHROF . *o* me MOST Wee HotffAE BACKING UP AH1WM THE tueetS /WKH'JtHZ WTO .1RÂ£Â£,HOHC.Y. MIHISTCK SAMOA! I'MMARWeR OFSVfflNd HAY Z ' IHe/WWSIf. AKCAl. TONY. MIHISTCROF SURFS ttmMAMANO * K -' WST? \ owcei-MY Â· APPOINWSMTS KK TOMORKHV! Â® -fea n Â»? 14 *%w X* Â·**"* h? jghters Sherry had spent her ime in the mountains In ing among the people in a village where/she said, "they cut the ears off the women for adultery and they're jealous al] the lime ighling over, money, titles and %cx . I . I saw them stone one They broke his skull and OPPRESSED colonial peoples have a Liberation Front Samoa does too- The better rev- oluliouary movements have their romantic aspect personified by someone like Che, Samoa does also. Her name is Sherry O'Sulllvan, a young Canadian woman of staluesque proper lions, of excited breathy diction strawberry blonde hair, and one blind eye Â· with an enlarged darkened pupil which did n move when the other'one did. breastbone fale (hut) arid destroyed Garrybadli and I v hadn't seeii any earless'ladies,'although that would certainly explain the preference for long hair, but Sherr) was the one who'd been living in Ihe mountains with the:people. Previous to 'corning here she'd lived in New York, "doing tht p a i n t i n g thing and then I wen lo L.A. and married an actor which lasted until I went cmo tionally broke 5i I took off foi Europe and when I got back to L.A. I smelled the air and decided to go to the South Sea. going lo do For her trouble ihe's come down with a . c a s e it what she, calls "green, creeping, mental jungle rot' and is in the process of being deported for being "cujlurally disadvantageousi'to the is!and'~ and also operating a business without a Hcense. THE DEPORTATION proceedings are moving ahead at a too slow to measure.. "I . think they lost my file," Sherry says. In the tradition of guerrSVla the way everybody says they're license it is a legal impossibility I under the First Amendment , The lawyers and the Judgp* (all three of them) on the island know that, so the strategy is l o : g o through l i n e m o t i o n s but - never . push anybody so far that they'll spend the .money oti an appeal to the mainland. If a federal judgfl ever, found oul w'nat was going: oh in Samoa he'd throw the entire Samoan law code hito the fireplace. Samoa, though, can't operate .under .Americar law.;; Polynesian ideas, anc practices'in regard to property 'morals!' and conduct cannot be meshed .\yith American law anc procedure. .'. _ T H K ' ASSISTANT attorney general . of .American Samoa says, "Our commissioner o public safely probobly violate " t h e civil right?., .under tin American Constitution, that is of 250 people a day." , Th commissioner, a great brown coconut in . " .an expensivel! tailored ."lavalava" (the.Soutl Seas version of the kill) wit an American suit-coat jacke is our candidate for the firs Trujillo of the South Seas Samoa should ever suffer U impoverisnmeiil of liberation The 250 daily violated, one make no complaint, becaus r harshly he may dc \\ith his compatriots under tV American Bill of Rights, his capacity as a Samoan bor hereditary , Big Chief Chcsc he n acting cordance with the local derstanding of righl and wron S h e r r y rendered hersi culturally disadvantageous saying things in Her L rground newspaper like, "we ave found that Chief Tufele ol only has a police record San Diego consisting 'of v e r y l h i n g from assault, urglary to hit-anil-run, but also is an FBI number."-- She llciwed that up by printing laL half tlie members of the !ono" (the Samoan version of legislature) had been con- icted of any Â· number o! aughlinesses back in tha talcs. . ' E V E N IP- _ everything. she Â·rites is true, a lot of Samoans on't 'seriously consider any rimes except spilling on Ihe cared salamander or .plucking tall feathers otf Ihe virgin efore throwing her into Â· the olc'anb. Crimes like homicinVi y auLorriobile seemed 'to be regarded.as civil torts as the; e r e in ... ... -most European societies for a .very long lime. One of the lawyers here tell: he story of the drunken louris vho ran over a niMn and-killed lim. He arranged to pay coin pensation for the acudcnl t he man s idga (clan) bu everybody's 'mutual satisfaclio urncd to Astonishment whc the crazy "palagls" (non-Sam oan) insisted on trying.: In driver for manslaughter.. Th stale might require the man to, go to' jail, but the state is an abstraction [he Symoans arc just gelling around (6 believing in and in the meantime, the 'iaga" gels nothing'for the loss of a productive member. Thus, if the rubbish : Sherry prints is true, _she forces every one to recognize lhat "palagi 1 laws are being violated. ThMt's uncomfortable since they can't practically be enforced anyway. he time. One night she was rinking in'one of the island'i ,any places of recreation when he says the cops' came in and old her t h a i ' h e r car was In no-parking, xone and she d ave to move it. .When'she went outside and slipped,the key m he ignition, they busted her for drunken driving. Then she says, icy put the cuffs on her, carl- I her off to Pago Pago's IJic- iresque place of incarceration and .worked her over. In Samoa the revolution or- chc do some of their drinking at : the Sadie Thompson, This pc-rmilleri Garrj smal 'and me _ l o confrontation but' what's, really happening that there, is n o . way to conduct a (rial in. Samoa according to the ordinary standards of American jurisprud- ice. The place is loo small and too incesluous and the laws are too unconstitutional. Not only is acting in a culturally disadvantageous manner seldom a crime; or, even a civil'loil. back on Ihe mainland, -, but.' the business Sherry is operating is a newspaper, so that trying lo With Pennsylvania Victory Carter Seeding Jo Stop Humphrey Drive f. PHILADELPHIA '"CAP) '^' * Jimmy Carter. Ihe front-run:'- ning Democrat who complains that everybody else is trying lo -~ stop'his presidential :quest. is trying lo himself. become a stopper He'd like lo stop Sen. Hubert Â£ H. Humphrey. ' ; -'Â·''' ^Pennsylvania Democrats will choose Tuesday among Carter. Â· Â· Sen. Henry M.- Jackson of Washington and Rep. Morris K. Udall of Arizona in a presidential 'primary election that will have a lot to do with Humph rey.'s political future. ' The outcome could determine whether there will be room [or bargaining and maneuvering and "thus for a late Humphrey campaign, after the primaries are over. '.' A' victory w o u l d e n h a n c e nia'rid in' Ehe primary elections over the next seven weeks. If Carter 'Is defeated, lhal will end to open Ehe Democratic race, which could increase the possibility of a brokered presidential nomination. Pennsylvania is a two-phase primary: a presidential vote, which is advisory, not binding; and selection of delegates who will make up the third biggest delegation at the Democratic National Convention. .Â· Carter, . t h e former Georgia governor, who won six of the lirst eight .primaries, said h k e will .win .the Pennsylvania popularity contest if there is a substantial turnout of voters. ' ; "If the people '-of Pennsytva- '- Â· Â· ' heavily, I will color port Photographer preferential balloting would be very close. "I think I'm going to win the delegate contest because of a good slate of delegates and a good organization." he said. Jackson 'has widespread support from organized labor and f; the " stale Democratic establishment -- in some cases from people who say openly they would prefer Humphrey iE he was a .candidate. ' ' Humphrey easily ' won Pennsylvania'., primary years ag'o.-" and Jackson hi acknowledged 'that' fhe nesota -senator" could-have repeated had he run. Carter ,said ' h e ; ' d i d n ' t how he would tare i n . t h e dele gate 'competition,' adding tha 1 phase cf the primary produce a clear-cut *i and the lineup of delegate pref erences won't rea}Jy be known for weeks. IJdall said he'd be satisfied with second place in the prefer ential voting. "Somebody is go ing lo bei'third in Pennsylvania and it won't be Mo Udall," ' claimed. He also said he will ,, bundle of delegates," wouldn't guess how many. Pennsylvania Democrats be electing delegates for !34 o the 178 scats Ihey will have a Id be in the of a and a said. sup- r and eslab- from they iE he n' the ' four imsell Miri- ve re- know B dele- g that ill not cision e pref known qtisfiet prefer is go /Ivania 11," h ain " ' bu i. ts u i 134 o ave a he national convention, 'ine est will be chosen by the state orrimittee to reflect the lineup of elected deiegales. : ' , Republicans will choose 103 delegates in a no-contest race. President Ford Is alone on the GOP ballot; Ronald Reagan passed up Pennsylvania to work on his challenge in more iromising precincts.' His next est with Ford will be in Texas on May 1. ' Republican voters will settle the major contest on :the state jallot, choosing a Senate nominee from among Rep. H. John Heinz III of Pittsburgh, former Philadelphia Dirt. Alty. Arlen Specter, and George Packard, former executive editor of the Philadelphia Bulleiin. . ' ". . They seek nomination to sue ceed Ihe retiring' Senate Re publican leader, Hugh Scott. Rep. William J. Green o Philadelphia is seeking t h e Democratic nomination, op posed by Jeannette Reibman, a slate senator. ' Carter, Jackson and Udal dropped almost everything els in the final days of the Pennsyl vania campaign to concentral on a state all of them rated pi votal. The stakes were underscore by the way they spent the) dwindling campaign funds i ne slate, jacuson naa 10 iaKe a ay otl from vole^hunling to gct[ n the telephone to ask suppor ri for money. v Udall borrowed heavily to finance his Pennsyl- Â·ania advertising .campaign Carter said he was diverting campaign money that had been programmed for use in other states, and would borrow if he lad lo. All three were hurt linancial- y by the culoff ot federal carn- laign subsidies because of congressional failure to act on an overhaul of that system. Udnll said he suspected that Humph rey supporters were involved J in [he delay. ' "We are hurting." said Carler. But he said he was doing better financially than his two primary rivals The Georgian said .his Pennsylvania advertising budget, most of it to be spent on radio and television commercials, totaled SIM.OOO The Carter campaign also in vested in a telephone vole drive in Philadelphia and Pittsburgh. A Udall spokesman said the congressman's advertising budget would total about $7i COO. and lhal his campaign would cost more than 5125,000. About half of that money was borrowed. Jackson's tabor and Democratic organization support he slate. Jackson had lo take a i cased the financial problem for worth of broadcast lime for the f i n a l days of the campaign, bu was able to spend ,it outside the cosily Philadelphia market, lying there on labor and part; leaders to carry his campaign Jackson, who won the Mas sachusetts and New York pr marics, has insisted (hat he i Hie candidate who can win Northern industrial state Democrats must have t Special Medi-Pak ! enrollment ends Mayl big the capture the White Ho'jsc. That argument'won't .sell Carter can beat him in Penn sylvania. And a Jackson s'e I back would be magnified by th support aligned behind him: Dennis "Harvey" Tnicmani the state Democratic chairma is supporting , Jackson. Go 1 Milton J. Shapp, who used to b a candidate, himself, prqfess neutrality. But Thiemann is h ally. Thiemann has said he think Carter is ahead ot Jackson the presidential preference co test. Philadelphia Mayor Frank Rizzo backs Jackson. So doc the city Democratic cliairma Peter J. CamEcl, although'he feuding with the mayor. Union laders in Philadelph and Pittsburgh endorsed Jac son -- and generally avoid' questions about their real pr* erence if ilcamelacho ice ercnce if it came to a choi between him and Humphrey. If you're 65 or older, be sure to send us this coupon beforeMay 1 to receive airee booklet and application form for Medi-Paic Â· Medi-Pak is the Arkansas Blue Cross'and Blue Shield plan that helps pay many of the expenses Medicare does not pay. There arc no physical exams--and no Medicare recipient over age 65 is deluded. Your Medi-Pak coverage becomes effective May 20,1976. W; c are about people. Arkansas people. Blue Cross Blue Shield I I I I I I I I between. Sherry and the:Great Brown Coconut to discuss tha matter of the arrest "We're mortal enemies, Â· Sherry (old the top" cop fcs sha sat (town at our table and or ctercd a drink "I shouldn't be talking to you 'No, no, Sherry, you're my good friend. You learned your lesson not to drink and drive. U. \\as a frame up Sherry the issistant allor ncy gcnciM) said unking o u d l i n e lo sludy sit Â·nonths to pas's tlie urine test. SHERIVY AISO gets it from ieople like Jake King and the Samoa News where she vorkcd for a while. Under the leading of A NEW LOW 1W JOURNALISM'! she republished article that appeared m fake s paper about her You don't get this kind of flat-footed, uppercutting, wild-swinging early-nineteenth century vituperation in.the .Slates anymore. The people ' at the 'Samoa New s u ere rcillv kind and good to her and gai e her noncy to buy soap to wash herself because the pcopk who worked with her couldn't stand her smell We ilso ga\c her money with nhich she slarled her paper ind she has turned igiiiibL Ihose \\ho w e r e kind Eo her and her guardians, ttt tha beginning n She is like a wandering woman who sits in a different bar collecting only half her inlorrhation Â· and truth Â· [or her paper .;,. Everything written by Sherry O'SulLivan is a lie bcrause siie is good at writing untrue stories and ^ lies. She is they .going lo throw half well known, for gathering her (he : people in r Gas (the stories in -bars . and being a o v e r " n m e n t : of'.-American.loudmouth" A lost'art form but imoa)Â·'Â·. out of office? T r y r b y ' l h e time Garrybaldi and I em? Where "are they going left the island we also Mvere find what Ihe gringos would well-known for-gathering stories ill .'an; unprejudiced jury in a i n - b a r s and being loudmouths, immunity this small whose A journalist would have lo be embers are all interrelated by crazy to trot around in that wet ood, sUatus, and most intricate and heat and risk getting aL- adilions? If Sherry is right, tacked by ;in overly excited le only sensible -thing to dp tropical plant, .when you can deport her, or at least harass gel the same stuff at the Huppy 'THIS, SHE SAYS, they do all ^ }OJR excellency, WHATIS xmtwz n. if. VAC- INAWVRAL pf ARflW? SPCHM M ' FORW \, n'SSQRTOfANOIP mar/of/- SAMOAHsecei- VKYseaiKwrnmissffecH. I HS60TSOMeKeAllY6rlAT 0 PWWlf MO SOME VCRY I Nice KCFBReNCK TO OUK. Samoa Sought Annexation. By NICHOLAS VON HOFFMAN GARRY B. TRUDEAU "The Hawaiian pear is now fully ripe and Ihla is the golden hour Tor the United Stales Lo pluck it, 11 John TV, Stevens, the American .minister to Hawaii wrote hia boss. President Ben, jam in Harrison in 1893, The mob of missionaries, lane speculators, sugar monopolists nnd thieves represented by the Hon. Mr.'Stevens were a trifle loo grabby for incoming Presi dent Grover Cleveland, who made the American advÂ«nli ers give the-islands back. In 1898, the temptation to pluck thÂ« Hawaiian -pear overcame Â· we care about people. Arfcamat people* *MM~ , m n To; Arlcancas Hoe Crop* rod ZttvStjSeM. Tnc_ fthandGainrs, WATCH I r . i 1 , SWIFTS a Ajr iiÂ«Â«^ Â· ' IJtlleRock,Aikansas72Â»3 Â· any residual national shame and the Pearl of the Pacific was annexed. -.' : ; ,. f THE SAOMOANS. pur other s u b j e c t Polynesian people, didn't go that route. There was 10 scene in [he While House )val Room between President iVillifrm McKinley and .Wilmot Foriescue, his assistant, who would later become mayor of iValla Walla, Washington, Pago Pago's sister city. Tta president didn't say, "Wilmot, Ah irahberl Cuber, Ah snatched Porto Rtltko, Ah swallcred the Philleypmes and now, Ah want somoah," No, if the Samoans are reduced to a status similar Iq Lhat of South Pacific Navajos, they half did K to themselves, During the -vcond half of Ihc nineteenth century the Islands were' infested with German, American, and English free hooters, whalers, bible-loulin, clerjymtn, traders^ and Inlri gu^rs, all trying to secure commercial and spiritual doml nance for themselves and poli tical loverehjnty (or their coun ties. THE RESULT was , i " a u c Â«ssion of cwips, civil wars, and dynastic struggle* -- whlcl were mostly instixaled by the krauts, so that the inhabitant repeatedly pelitioned the Unilec States to lake Samoa over -- vhich happened in^diie coursft. America j reaped enormout benefits from this deal We got a plac/j for Somerset' Maugham o write, a coaling station for ramp 'steamers that iwandcrcd )f[ .course and out /of Joseph- C o n r a d ' s: ;novels,-i and a possession of such crashinfj lack of 'attraction^ ;that , ! -,vaudevilla comedians would have tailed it the Peoria pf ! the racilic, had anyone heard of Â· -the placv?. Recent Gallup polls indicate seven out o f . ten Americflris think Samoa'; is a ' French colony; a Harris Poll survey Laken at the same time reveals Lhal eleven out of ten -believe Pago' Pago lo be a dada word invented by Gertrude Stein in describe her hometown ot Oakland, Calif. NOT EVEN America's enemies have .evinced interest in the place. During World War H . the Japanese disdained invasion o f , oiir -little' colony, limiting themselves lo 'sending a submarine off the coast of Tutuiia. This man-of-war fired Ihre/ symboljc Â«hots in the general direction.oE Pago Pa fin and Ihen sailed away. The first' landed on a beach, the second clipped Ihe lop of a parni Irefi, and Hi* third demolished .lha bedroom of Ito; only Japanesa family on the island.
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