TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 1976 TUCSON DAILY CITIZEN FOOD FASHION FAMILY ENTERTAINMENT HOMES FOCUS PAGE 'Open Marriage' stresses freedom, not 'open sex 9 By RICHARD S. VON1ER Citizen Stall Writer A husband and wife whose book-model for a contemporary marriage sold nearly three million copies say they have spent a lot of time since then trying to correct a false impression. "Open marriage is not open sex," author Nena O'Neill emphasized to a weekend audience here, suggesting that people who used their book to equate the terms saw only one page of "Open Marriage" or didn't read it at all. Open Marriage, said Nena and George O'Neill, means being open to one another, helping each partner grow as a person to create a relationship of peers. And it can Â·mean being socially open, accepting that spouses benefit from outside friendships and other social relationships that don't necessarily involve them as a couple. "But sexually-open marriage is a rare and almost impossible feat," she said, adding with her husband that few couples are able to transcend the instilled jealousy and other ill feelings roused by a candid, extramarital sex life. In fact, said O'Neill, in six years of research before and after the book was Â·published, "we have come across very few couples able to maintain this for any length of time -- 1 think six years was the longest." In most cases they found a marriage already deteriorating from other problems, and the open sexual behavior finished it, he said. He said that a few partners who achieve a mature, trusting, sharing relationship of equals may eventually be able to cope and even benefit from extramarital affairs, and it was for that reason that they included this sentence in their book: "We are not recommending outside sex, but we are not saying that it should be avoided either." Now they wish they never added the second half of. the statement, he said, offering instead that couples who reach the strong relationship he outlined "will be so turned on to each other that they won't need anybody else." The O'Neills, New York City anthro- Nena and George O'Neill pologists who followed "Open Marriage" with "Shifting Gears," another^ best-seller on personal growth and dealing with change, spoke at a weekend conference at the University of Arizona on the effects of women's liberation.-That they struck a nerve'with their views on "out- side sex" was evident in the later workshop discussions of audience groups that failed to reach agreement. To a broader question being explored at the conference -- will marriage survive? -- the O'Neills answered with a simple yes. It will continue, Mrs. O'Neill said, because the traditionalists will accept it with its problems, the innovators will find new definitions, and because "man has a need to be in the company of others." The problem, as they see it, is that clinging Victorian-era myths of romantic love and defined husband-and-wife roles that were functional in an agricultural society don't translate any more in contemporary marriage in an urban and mobile America where the individual is more isolated and is battered by constant technological and social change. "Today we still carry the hangovers, even though the conditions that created them have disappeared," Mrs. O'Neill said. One manifestation they are seeing from these pressures, coupled with eased divorce laws, is that partners move out of one marriage and into another -- instead of turning their search toward improving the existing relationship. Some of the unrealistic beliefs hampering what they call closed marriages, they said, are that your mate belongs to you; that he or she can fulfill all your needs; that jealously means you care; that each of you plays roles in marriage for which you were biologically designed; that any change in your mate will come gradually with maturity, and that all problems revolve around sex and love. The O'Neills advocate reworking the original marriage contract to arrive at a partnership of equals, where each identity can thrive and each partner is committed to the growth of himself and the other. The elements of this include open and honest communication, role flexibility, trust, outside companionship, realistic expectations and allowance for privacy. Expectations for an open marriage include that you will share many things, but not everything; that each partner will change, sometimes through conflict; that each partner will accept responsibility for himself and grant it to his mate; that the mutual goal is the relationship, not status, children or house; and that each partner will have different needs, capacities, values and expectations because he or she is a different person -- not because one is a husband and the other is a wife. Said O'Neill: "The closed marriage philosophy is 'I am you, you are me, and together we are one.' "Open Marriage says '! am me, you are you, and together we are much more.' " He said that ihe freedom advanced in Â· open marriages creates a mutual benefit based on the idea that as each partner grows he or she will have more to offer the other. This mutual growth produces a unity stronger than the two individuals. "In a closed marriage," he said, "one plus one equals one." "In open marriage, one plus equals infinity." one Ted Craig Citizen Television Columnist Let us imagine today that we are present at a face-to-face confrontation between the people who watch television and the TV executives who decide what shpuld be offered to the viewing public. The arguments might go something like this: VIEWER -- "Television programming is getting worse every season. What do you guys up there in the executive suites take us viewers for, anyway? Do you consider us a bunch of children, a mass of low-IQ snobs who sit in our undershirts and chortle at your senseless situation comedies, cheer your ridiculously phony private detectives? Can't you ever schedule anything new and imaginative Garbage? .M. IO everyone Arizona's Sue Savage Maid of Cotton weaves goodwill and intellectually stimulating? Is the selling of detergents and deodorants the sole function of commercial television?" TV INDUSTRY SPOKESMAN -- "An audience of children? To a large degree, yes. We do draw very good ratings from programs directed at young persons and at .adults who'share the kiddyland naivete. Do you realize how many millions watch "Six Million Dollar Man' and 'Emergency'? But we do try some "quality" programming, and where are you when we televise it? You watched situation comedies when we presented "Long Day's Journey into Night." You went to ball games or played pinochle or watched private detectives on all those nights that public television presented "War and Peace." Sure, we're serving up a lot of junk -- but you asked for it." So who's right? Is television a hopeless wasteland of banalities, caricatures and generally inaccurate portrayals of the human condition? And, if so, is it because the viewers can't handle or won't support anything better? Â· My opinion is that neither of these extreme contentions is right. The persons 1 hear from seem to agree that there is a lot 'of garbage on television -- but there also is some excellent entertainment for the discerning hand on the dialing knob and the on-off button. How could an armchair athlete ever experience a greater vicarious thrill, for instance, in the brief moments it took Austria's Franz Klammer to plunge down that awesome slope in the Winter Olympics downhill ski event? You don't have to know or care anything about skiing -- you just drop your drink and sit there white-knuckled as you watch this human being defy all the laws of gravity, all the odds of survival to score a victory demanded of him by his country. Or, if you prefer a different type of drama, how did you like Elizabeth Montgomery as the beautiful, busy, productive woman who knew she was dying in "Dark Victory"? Or Sir Alec Guinness as the noblest Roman in "Caesar and Cleopatra," toying with a tigress empress who was just a pussycat in his hands? You had your shot at all of this in the past week. But I don't agree with anyone who says you "should" ftave seen any of it. Nobody "should" see anything just because it's there. If you had better things to do than sit around watching TV at these particular times, great. And that's what the people in the TV industry must realize. It's a watcher's market; it's up to the programmers to lay some decent products before us, and don't make us wade through too much garbage to find the goodies. Even when there is a goodie, nobody can demand that we watch it. Okay, so Eugene O'Neill's "Long Day's Journey" is a classic. But it's pretty heavy stuff, somewhat depressing. Should a viewer who's had a tough day be berated for watching Archie Bunker instead of O'Neill? [ don't think so. And who can expect a person to stay at home and shush the children and discourage visiting for all those evenings of "War and Peace" or "The Adams Chronicles" or "Rich Man, Poor Man"? There is some good stuff there, but it's not mandatory watching. I liked "Dark Victory," but if a visitor had dropped by our house during those three hours, we would have turned off the set and gotten down to the more serious business of talking and drinking. And we won't worry about missing some Mondays of "Rich Man, Poor Man." It's interesting so far, but we don't have to have it. Watching a television program is just not the same premeditated action as changing shirts and going nut to a movie, and we may as well accept the fact that a choice of viewing often is decided by the hand of a 4-year-old or a teen-ager who is trying to keep from concentrating on a history assignment. We'll just try to catch the best program. 1 ; when possible, and if we see anything that appears to be something you'll want to watch or avoid like the plague, we'll try to notify you before the rerun comes around. By PAT HARRIS Citizen Fashion Editor She didn't win; she wasn't a runner-up; she didn't even place in the first 10. But Sue Savage, Arizona's Maid of Cotton for this year, had a wonderful time and learned a lot. Selected to represent Arizona in the national Maid of Cotton competition in Memphis in December, Sue vied with 17 other finalists for the national title. But it wasn't the "dog eat dog" kind of competition some might think, Sue pointed out. "I learned a lot about competition," she said. "It was a different kind of a contest, and I learned a lot from the other girls." From the time she left Sky Harbor airport for Memphis on Dec. 29 until three days later when the winner was chosen, Sue was a busy young woman. Accompanied by her mother, her twin sister, Sondra, and Jan Bell of Arizona Cotton \Vives, her tour director, Sue began her Memphis stay with a room mixup at the 24-story Hyatt Regency there. "Someone already had the room assigned to .us," she said, "but we ended up in a beautiful suite at the top of the hotel. Then my mom's Citizen Pbolo by Joan Rennick The way it was Sue Savage, Arizona's Maid of Cotton, relaxes with a cup of tea as she talks about what it's like to participate in a national contest. She is wearing one of the dresses in her all-cotton wardrobe, an apricot colored Oscar de la Renta design with a tied-in waist and full skirt. bags were lost, but she got them the next day." Then began two days of competition and activities -- a get-together tea, a cocktail buffet, meetings with judges and families of the other girls ("lots of families came"), meetings with Memphis cotton people, briefings by last year's Maid of Cotton, meetings with tour guides, a Rotary luncheon, press photograph sessions, a meeting with the Cotton Council -- and always up early and to bed late. The girls modeled and were briefly interviewed on a-local television station, while the judges watched on monitors. Then they returned to their hotel rooms to get ready for the gala ball that evening at the country club (with "neat" escorts provided). "I lost 10 pounds while I was in Memphis, "Sue said, "and I know the other girls lost, too. At the end we were all worn out and tired." About 800 people gathered in the Hyatt Regency ballroom for the final judging, which followed the girls' rehearsals for presentation. "The people of Memphis were really interested in the outcome," Sue said. In bathing suits, cocktail dresses and long, formal gowns, the girls made their final appearances and gave one-minute talks about cotton. Then it was all over, and Victoria Laughlin of Newport Beach, Calif., was named the winner. But Sue is still Arizona's winner, and she will appear around the state at meetings of civic and social groups, taking part in fashion shows, and extolling the virtues of cotton. And she has her plaque and her happy memories and a wealth of knowledge garnered during her adventure, not to mention her cotton wardrobe, and a car to use during her reign. "Win or lose, it's a great experience," says the 21-year- old University of Arizona senior. "It takes a lot of time and dedication and stamina, but you learn about speaking and, about people. You gain self-confidence, and I think more girls should know about the Maid of Cotlon contests; it's really worthwhile. It's not a beauty contest; it gives more girls opportunities for growth that could help their futures a lot." ART TALK -- An export plans a lecture on Mission treasures. Story, Page 14. MUSIC -- David Bowie will appear in Phoenix Sunday. Details, Page 14. YOUR STARS - Page 14. ART EXHIBIT -- The 1 Inside Focus Tucson Museum of Art has opened its "Southwest Legacy" western exhibit, which is characterized by only a few outstanding works, according to art critic Robert M. Quinn. His column, At the Galleries, is on Page 15. RECORDS IN REVIEW -- Citizen entertainment w r i t e r C h u c k G r a h a m scans current record albums. Column, Page 17. TV-RADIO SCHEDULES -- Page 17. Photo by Ray Manley Saddle mountings This Western saddle, bridle and harness, laden with 3,000 carats of turquoise and 300 carats of coral set in silver, will be one of the special exhibits at the Tucson Gem and Mineral show opening Friday. Tucsonians Chris and Jackie Jones spent eight months on the project. ' 76 Gem and Mineral Show opens at center Friday The i n n a r d s of the Community Center Exhibition Hall will be winking with the exotic dazzle of Earth treasures this weekend when the Tucson Gem and Mineral Show uncovers Us 1976 edition. Called the top mineral show in the world, it again has drawn exhibits from prestigious museums and universities and will lure mineralogists, collectors and dealers from at least three continents. The sponsoring Tucson Gem and Mineral Society expects more than 20,000 visitors to gaze at the displays or purchase specimens during the three-day run. It will be open from noon to 9 p.m. Friday; 10 a.m. to 9 p.m. Saturday and 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. Sunday. Admission is $1 for persons over 14 years old. Top'attractions include: --Beryl crystals and gems from the Smithsonian I n s t i t u t i o n ' s N a t i o n a l Museum of Natural History, Washington, D.C. --Indian zeolites from Harvard University. --Tourmaline crystals and gems from the American Museum of Natural History, New York City. --Australian minerals from the famed Broken Hill mineral district, shown by the Australian Museum in Sydney. --Cumengite and tetrahe- drile crystals, the largest ever found, from the University of Paris. Displays from 10 othej museums and schools, and specimens from Africa, South America and Europe also will be featured in addition to the dozens of American collectors' exhibits. And since Tucson sits in the heart of a rich mineral field, there of course will be many Arizona displays. A Bicentennial mining display from Chicago's Museum of Science and Industry, in cooperation with the Arizona Historical Society, will be displayed on the Community Center grounds from 9 a.m. to noon Friday. In conjunction with the show, two national groups -- the Mineral Museums Advisory C o u n c i l and Friends of Mineralogy -will be holding their annual meetings Saturday. The joint winter mineralogy meeting sponsored by those groups, the Mineralogy Society of America and the Tucson Gem and Mineral Society will be held Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. That will draw more than 100 of the leading mineralogists in the world.
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