Arizona Daily Star from Tucson, Arizona • Page 17

Tucson, Monday, August 17, 1987 (Ujr Arizona Bath Slar Section Page Three DR. RUTH MUSIC Woman intimidated into sex with ex-husband feels guilty 1987 Karola Inc. Q. I am divorced and my ex visits me and our daughter, to whom he is in his way devoted. I do want him to see her, I do want him to visit here, and I really want to see him get back on track, get rid of his drinking problem and recover his pride and do well, but between us I see no reconciliation.

I have had it with being married to him. When he is here he be ill 1 fr -t cs. Dr. Ruth Westheimer talk with me, but you can't stay overnight until you know that you can stop asking me for sex and control your ill temper if you do ask and get refused. This restriction isn't forever, just until you have this under control." Your concern for him is natural and generous, but you can do nothing for him except insist on his controlling himself (which would be helpful to him in itself) and let him visit on good behavior.

People who say, "I don't need AA; I have no drinking problem," have to take the consequences themselves, not load them on ex-wives and others. If his drinking has been a problem to you, you have done all you can in getting rid of it along with him. The rest is up to him. Mention him in your prayers, pray that he joins AA or finds his own way out of alcohol addiction. The latter course is a doubtful one, but some do find it.

Pray for him as for a friend, and steer your own course in life. I think you should have no sex with him, should be assuming a separate life for yourself and thinking about a better partnership with another man. It doesn't help either you or your ex to go back to sex with each other with no plans to reconcile. When you have sex with him, he has to think that you have not given up on him as a mate; you have to wonder if you have really split from him and aren't holding to the idea of reconciling. People often have divorces without being fully divorced emotionally.

I think perhaps this may be the case. But by having sex with him you give him reason to think he may get back without changing his ways from those that you really cannot live with. Maybe you need counseling about this not to have some expert tell you how to run your life but to have a cool head to talk these problems over with. Q. This guy loves all kinds of sex and asks me to go along.

When I do, he's disgusted with me and treats me mean. Sometimes he wants a threesome, and when I start to get turned on he gets mad and hits me, even though it was his idea and I only did it to go along with him. A. You have to stop going along with him, and you have to tell him to go along and pick on somebody else, because he really likes to humiliate you. When he tells you to do something, he wants to see you humiliated by doing what he thinks is degrading then he hits you for doing it.

Don't put up with being hit or treated like this. I think you have to see a social worker because you may have trouble getting rid of this guy, and because you are confused. If you don't know how to find a social worker, call a church or hospital and ask how you can get in touch with one. Catch Dr. Ruth at 7 p.m.

Monday through Saturday on the Lifetime cable channel, or from 8 to 10 p.m. Sundays on 93.7.KRQ-FM. Elizabeth Mangelsdorf, Tne Arizona Daily Star Terrance Simien plays button accordian, which he wears slung low on his hip Simien and Mallet Playboys serve hot, spicy concert of Cajun music haves well and is never drunk, though I know he drinks heavily when not with us and still claims he does not need AA. The trouble is that he can't come here without wanting sex with me and getting nasty if I refuse him. And if I do sleep with him I feel like a hooker, which really gets me down.

How can I deal with this? A. Feeling like a hooker is something only a hooker really knows and I think you have to get the idea out of your head that you have acted like a hooker or have been treated like one. It is a kind of shame that you can do without. You feel angry with him for pressuring you into sex, you feel annoyed with yourself for having let yourself be pressured into it and I say no more having sex with your ex. Sex under pressure instead of when you want it with a chosen partner is unwise, and it falsifies your relationship with your ex.

Sometimes women pretend they are hookers because that is part of a sexual fantasy. Also, women will pretend they are being forced. That, too, is fantasy. Fan-tasyland is something different from the realities of being prostituted or forced, helpful in letting the women concentrate on the encounter with her partner, helpful iin blocking out negative or distracting ideas while having sex. A negative thought might be about that argument with him on Wednesday, and how you can still be mad at him if you let yourself, mad enough not to want lovemaking.

A distracting thought is typically about your shopping list or the report you have to turn in at the 'office. Fantasy is what happens in the human brain when it makes human sexual behavior out of the physical act. Fantasy does not have to be specifically sexual, or lurid; some women think of the sound of the pounding surf, so rhythmic, so worry-erasing. You can find your own sound, experience or exciting story. That is most helpful to sexual performance; feeling used, degraded and resentful is the opposite.

But you have committed no crime in sleeping with this particular man; you only made a mistake. You have to tell your ex, "You can come here, you can see and talk with your daughter, you can see and REVIEW i Terrance Simien and the Mallet Playboys in concert, with opener; Homesick James, at El Casino! Ballroom Saturday night. By Gene Armstrong The Arizona Daily Star It was Saturday night, and the party was just beginning, Louisiana-style. Barbecued ribs and jambalaya a Creole rice stew with red snapper, okra and hot sauce simmered at the back of El Casino Ballroom. And at the front of the ballroom, Terrance Simien and the Mallet Playboys cooked.

The young zydeco band from Mallet, a town about 70 miles west of Baton Rouge, played two exhausting sets at El Casino. Simien and the band thrilled the full house with its spicy zydeco, which was often peppered with a little rock 'n' roll, blues and soul. The 21-year-old Simien wears his button accordian slung low, like a shotgun resting on his hip. Indeed, his instrument packs a mighty wallop, carrying the melody on most of his band's wildest Cajun numbers. He and Earl Sally, who plays frot-toir (a metal washboard), must have spent a good 50 percent of the concert in the air.

Both the crowd and the band leapt try waltz "I'm Coming a song originally performed by zydeco king Clifton Chenier. Dubbed the "brother righteous of zydeco," Simien sang a few rock songs, lots of blues and a little Motown (a version of the Temptations' "My Girl" opened the second set). He was ably assisted by bass player Top Esprit, drummer Chubby Carrier and guitarist Sherman Robertson, who played on Simon's great album "Graceland." Robertson also got to show off during the night, proving especially adept at jazz-blues riffs and some Chuck Berry-type rock solos. Homesick James Williamson, who at 77 is one of the last surviving Chicago blues patriarchs, opened the show with a short set of authentic, gritty blues. This man, who has played with the likes of Big Bill Broonzy and Elmore James, performed some terrific slide guitar.

Tucson's Highbeam Blues Band backed up Williamson, and the local boys sounded as good as they've ever been. Who could blame them? They were on the same stage with a legend. to the dizzying tempos of the fast numbers, the five-piece band's specialty. They also cooly swayed to such mid-tempo songs such as "Don't Want to Be Alone Tonight" and waltzed to pretty, slower numbers such as "You Used to Call Me," the band's recent debut single, which was recorded with the help of Paul Simon on background vocals. Simien and the other band members wore enthusiastic smiles all night, evidence of the exuberance they must feel by bringing an audience of more than 800 to musical nirvana, or pretty darn close.

Through it all, the bearlike Simien sang beautifully. He has a graceful, full voice, often singing in a punchy French patois. He also used subtle, romantic control when needed, as on the lovely back-coun Early birds get the nod over night owls at their best in the a.m. got the best grades. Unfortunately, people who are most alert in the afternoon or at night probably won't help themselves by going to bed earlier.

Julian Biggers, who reported on his study in Self magazine, says this doesn't seem to work because our alertness peaks are controlled by internal body clocks and body temperatures. One solution is to schedule your most important mental activities when you're at your best. Night school maybe? Second, a job-placement consultant says workaholics are just what many companies are looking for. "A job seeker should be prepared to state convincingly that his or her style is not 9-to-5 and be able to prove it," said James Challenger, president of Chicago's Challenger, Gray Christmas. (Then again, a recent survey found that more than half of business executives endorsed the eight-hour day as the best for achieving maximum efficiency and productivity.) The Chicago Tribune Here's some discouraging information for at least two groups of people: Those who are night owls rather than early birds and those who aren't overly thrilled about the concept of work.

If you belong to both groups, it might be a good idea to skip this item. a psychologist at Texas Tech University took a look at the academic records of 1,950 high school and college students and found that "morning people" those who were up and at 'em and PRESENTS: quantities limited On Sal Through 83087 LEVI'S has the fit and quality you we have them in your size, every day! i wans? A hernia can be a serious even life-threatening health problem. Please call our Ambulatory Surgery Dept. ask for Jennie and schedule a surgical evaluation. Our fully trained, qualified surgeons have extensive experience in all types of hernia repair.

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