The Los Angeles Times from Los Angeles, California • Page 151

E2 WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 10, 1994 LOS ANGELES TIMES 2EEEI IIU I II lj On TV, Music Comes Fresh From the Can In the news: Two Delta Airlines ground employees, believed to be intoxicated, took an empty Boeing 737 for mile-long joy ride last Saturday at the Tucson airpo't. Embarrassed company officials later admitted, says comedy writer Bob Mills, that it was Delta's only on-time arrival of the day. Jay Leno, on the selection of Kenneth Starr, a Republican, as new Whitewater special prosecutor: "You might say, 'Why a Well, if you are going to be dealing with questions about money laundering, destroying evidence and lying to Congress, you want a guy who has been there." Tuesday was the 20th anniversary of Richard Nixon's resignation over his misdeeds in public office. It didn't go unnoticed at the White House, reports comic Argus Hamilton: "President Clinton was extra nice to Al Gore all day." Hamilton, on Shannon Faulkner, who may have to shave her head to remain a freshman at the Citadel: "Those are the rules. Short hair has been a U.S.

military tradition since Custer's Last Stand." Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the rare fungus killing butternut trees in Vermont: "There's no known cure or chemical treatment for Sirococcus clavigigenti juglandacearum. And there are only two guys known who can both spell and pronounce it." Reader file: What's the definition of a perfect lover? Someone who can make love to you until 4 a.m., then turn into a pizza. Charles Pierce, North Hollywood The daughter complained to her mother that her new boyfriend was rich but too short. Replied Mom: "So? He can stand on his wallet." Tom Freeman, Palm Springs "During a recent heat spell, my regular golf partner, after a particularly bad shot, remarked: 'It's not the heat that gets you, it's the Burt Lasker, Brea the punch line, on behalf of all the musicians you might otherwise be hearing on TV. Please take a moment to: Guffaw whenever your TV emits a phony baloney string section that sounds like the Mighty Wurlitzer in the Skating Rink from Hell.

Cackle loudly whenever you see an executive producer's name listed among the musical credits. Teach your children that the principal difference between the music in cheapskate television movies and sack of fertilizer is the sack. And finally, ponder the cosmic significance of this fact: The bottom-dqllar library music used all these years in one bank's radio commercials also serves as the score for "Wanda Whips Wall Street," a 1970s porno flick. Hensley is an L.A. keyboardist who once scored a cheapskate TV movie without using a single live musician including himself.

linists, that the producer's brother-in-law-with-a-Casio provide the score 6r that cheap libraries of prerecorded, previously used, pre -composed and sometimes partially decomposed music replace actual scoring-to picture. This faction depends on tiny, tinny television speakers (or for the well-heeled gigantic, tinny television speakers) to hide the resulting musical blemishes. They're counting on us, the audience, not to notice the difference, or to care. Even if we do notice, they can always depend on our kids, who aren't even sure whether life is live or on tape. I happen to think it was nice when 12 violinists were paid to play the same note.

It sounded better, for one thing, and it gave fiddle players a reason to move to Los Angeles-lending us a hint of Euro-culture beyond jeans ads, and at least a few neighbors who didn't try to sell you life insurance. Cheap music, like cheap fish, begins to stink pretty quickly. So here's I have never publicly stated that the difference between a violist and a dog is that dog knows when to stop scratching. Admittedly, one difference between a musician and a savings bond is that the savings bond will eventually mature and earn money. On that note, I'd like to turn the tables and discuss a musician joke that's now being played on you.

As you may know, the people in charge of television medium that is rarely well are in the process of downsizing their product, aiming for budgets roughly equal to a lavish PTA picnic. We get sex and violence because they're cost-effective! more expensive undergarments on less expensive performers, victims tortured and killed without the luxury of a costly car chase. Music is a favored budget-cutting item. The same faction that once complained to Beethoven about paying a bassoonist who only played 40 of the time is now asking that one keyboardist's finger replace 12 vio By TOM HENSLEY SPECIAL TO THE TIMES Even after years of planting and harvesting musician jokes, I'm always amazed at the ever-expanding market for them. Readers clamor to know the difference between a banjo and an onion (nobody cries when you cut up a banjo), the range of an oboe (about 50 feet if you kick it hard enough), and the easiest way to get a guitarist to play less loudly (provide a sheet of music to read).

I'm always happy to instruct others how to recognize vocalists at the door (they have to be told when to come in the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw (vibrato) and the way to determine if a drum riser is level (check to see that the drool is coming out of both sides of the drummer's mouth Here I must add a disclaimer for the woman from the Society for the Prevention of Viola Vilification, who wrote that I had unfairly singled out her instrument in a previous column: DOONESBURY By GARRY TRUDEAU how can itsnotpenial, youbelibie man, trust. THEWS ANPMAY8E YOURS IN DENIAL! LIKE A LOT OF WHITES, YOU U1BFE SO SORB THIS CASE WA5NTA REFERENDUM ON CENT, RAY? A BI6 DIFFER- BLACKS ARB ENCEI EQUAL JUSTICB.THAT IT I 7FANSCENDEPRACE I iNemmiAL Several versions from several sources: Returning to the city after two weeks on the road passing bad paper, the counterfeiter discovered that his artistic but dimwitted assistant had printed a large batch of $18 bills. Undaunted, the clever counterfeiter decided to see if he could get rid of the funny money in rural West Virginia. Traveling deep into the hills, he stopped at the first country store he found, walked in and went to the counter. "Wonder if you could give me change for this?" he asked, handing the clerk an 18 bill.

"Sure thing, pal," the clerk replied. "How would you like it? Two nines or three sixes?" Reader Jean Desmond of Rancho Palos Verdes says her 6-year-old granddaughter, Lynlea, is a true child of the '90s. When grandma phoned to tell her that she was going to mail her a letter from her cousin, the young girl replied impatiently: Why don't you just fax it to me?" II I -ON Send Us a Line Got a joke or funny story? Fax us at (213) 237-0732 or mail to Laugh Lines, co. Life Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.

I I i BUT THAT i CONVERSATION AT is, what lbast. ORANGE COUNTY LECTURES AND SEMINARS 7711-1990. TODAY SATURDAY, AUG. 13 ads. "You're gonna do what, boy?" asked his half-brother Will, worried that the publicity would make Reynolds stock drop in value.

Half-brother John, when told the news, worried that their father and grandfather would "spin in their graves." And brother Michael told the press that although he didn't agree with his brother, "Patrick is sincere." Patrick says that until his half-brother Joshua died in June, they maintained a good relation I'm: lives off the interest on the remainder along with earnings from his lectures and various other projects. He never inherited a cent from his father, who left an estate valued "anywhere from the tens of millions to the hundreds of millions," Reynolds says. His father, a pioneer in the airline and shipping industries and a onetime treasurer of the National Democratic Party, married four times. The first marriage produced four sons and lasted until he set eyes on Patrick's mother, Marianne O'Brien a Warner Bros, starlet described by Patrick as "an extraordinary beauty." 'Our mission is to educate create a society that is totally Patrick Reynolds tobacco heir R.J. Reynolds Jr.

left his first wife and sons for O'Brien, after a divorce settlement that was the largest in U.S. history at that time. Patrick was one of two sons born during their seven-year marriage, after which his father married a third time a union that produced no offspring. R.J. Reynolds fourth wife bore him a daughter 36 hours after he died in 1964.

The daughter of that union, Irene Reynolds, lives "somewhere in Europe," Patrick says. Patrick's father did pay for his young son's summers at sailing camp in North Carolina. And for elite boarding schools from the age of 9, and for Hotchkiss preparatory school in Connecticut, after which Patrick entered the University of Writer's Class. Jennifer Marshall, author, 7 to 8:30 p.m., Oakwood Newport North Apartments Clubhouse, 880 Irvine Newport Beach. Meetings today and Aug.

17 are a class on how to write a book and unlock one's creative potential. Afterward, participants are part of the Orange County Writer's a group which will meet to sharpen writing skills, hear monthly speakers and meet with other writers. $20 for the two-session class. Information: (714) 722-7717. Breakfast Lecture.

The Inside Edge Foundation for Education, 6:30 to 8:30 a.m., Scott's restaurant, 3300 Bristol Costa Mesa. Millicent Collinsworth, the first blind actress to be given a sighted role in TV history, is the speaker. "New Beginnings: Second Chances" is her topic. Buffet breakfast; networking. Visitors welcome.

$15 for first-time guests. Reservations: (714) 730-5050. Retroactive Tax Laws. Orange County Law Council. Today is the deadline to make reservations for a talk by Jerry Carlton, managing partner of O'Melveny Meyers, to be held Friday.

He will speak on the U.S. Supreme Court ruling that retroactive tax changes are not unconstitutional. A round-robin debate follows. The 1 1:45 to 1:30 p.m. event will be at the Doubletree Hotel Orange County, 100 The City Drive, Orange.

$23 for members; $30 for non-members (includes lunch). Reservations: (714) 731-6096. Haitian Art History. Timbuktu Folk and Tribal Art, 7:30 p.m., 1661 Superior Costa Mesa. The history of Haitian art from Columbus' arrival in Haiti to the present is the topic of a slide program.

Original paintings and tin art from Haiti are on display through Saturday. Reservations required for lecture. $5 donation requested. Reservations: (714) 650-7473. THURSDAY, AUG.

11 Divorce Workshop. UCI Extension, 1 to 3 p.m., Rachel Long Morgan Building, Room 201, on campus. Frances Johan-sen, certified financial planner, discusses "Financial Aspects of Divorce." $10. Registration: (714) 856-5414. Earthsave Program.

Community Counseling Center, 7 to 9 p.m., 27514 Calle Arroyo, San Juan Capistrano. Presentation covers the purpose of the nonprofit group, Earthsave, followed by a video on "Diet for a New America," by John Rob-bins. $5 donation requested. Reservations: (7 14) 493-7333. Mothers and Adult Daughters Workshop.

Orange Outreach Counseling and Psychotherapy, 5:30 to 7 p.m. Thursdays BATTLE Continued from El He's a compelling speaker, partly because each time he talks the anguish is so apparent and sincere. And partly because he is, after all, a Reynolds scion of one of America's great fortune-building clans. His patrician profile, blond good looks the elegant, soft-voiced, delivery of a tale that could be straight out of "Dallas" or "Dynasty" are the stuff to make audiences gaze in wonder at what this man's gilded, turbulent life must be like. That's when Reynolds zaps them with reality.

One out of every five deaths in the United States is due to smoking. It causes more deaths annually than cocaine, alcohol, heroin, fire, suicide, homicide, AIDS and auto accidents combined. It is the single most preventable cause of death, disease and addiction in our era, and tobacco is the only product sold legally in the world that has a harmful effect when used as intended. The direct medical cost for each pack of cigarettes smoked is about $2, he says. His information is from the American Cancer Society, the American Lung Assn.

and studies by various government and prestigious private institutions. The statistics he quotes are not even controversial, says Joseph Cherner of Smoke-Free Educational Services, a New York-based volunteer group. Yet our elected officials refuse to do much about stopping the plague, he says. Reynolds wants action. For starters, he'd like higher cigarette taxes, a ban on Cigarette ads, and prohibition of the sale of cigarettes to people under 21.

"Sixty percent of all smokers start by age 14. Ninety percent are addicted by age 19," he tells the group, citing figures from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Why the apathy, he asks? It's easy to blame only the tobacco industry, he says. But he believes that there are even more dastardly culprits.

They are the elected officials who accept hefty campaign contributions from the tobacco lobby-funds that give them a tremendous ship by "agreeing to disagree" about tobacco. Reynolds' first anti-smoking testimony in Washington catapulted him to a kind of national fame that has been more enduring than his sporadic attempts at an acting career, which he never pursued with as much vigor. He has appeared on virtually all the major network and cable TV news and talk shows, from "Good Morning America" to "Oprah," "Larry King Live" and "Nigh-tline." His dossier includes raves from media hosts, who frequently invite him back for more. And his numerous humanitarian awards come from the World Health Organization, hospitals, schools and civic groups. In 1989, he started a nonprofit, charitable organization, "Citizens for a Smoke-Free America," which he runs from his combined home and office on the eastern fringe of Beverly Hills.

"Our mission is to educate," he tells the Town Hall gathering, and to eventually "create a society that is totally smoke-free." But the shocker of the evening comes after Reynolds' talk, during a lively period of questions. "Could you tell us how your Tax Strategies. Placentla chapter of the American Assn. of Retired Persons, 2:15 p.m., TLC Center, 116 N. Walnut Placentia.

"Tax Strategies That Work" Is the topic. Information: (714) 996-8533. Communication Skills. Koala Central Communications, 10 a.m. to 1 p.m., Crown Sterling Suites, 3100 E.

Fontera Anaheim. Valery Oehler, communication skills and public image expert, presents a seminar on "Communicating Your Professional Best." $65. Registration: (818) 446-0906. MONDAY, AUG. IS Parenting Seminar.

Lynn Blanton, marriage, family and child counselor Intern, 7 to 9 p.m., 23441 S. Pointe Drive, Suite 130, Laguna Hills. "Trusting Your Teen A Parenting Approach" is the topic. $10 per person. Reservations required.

Reservations and information: (714)361-4226. TUESDAY, AuoTie Pet Therapy. Martin Luther Hospital, 4 to 6 p.m., 1830 W. Romneya Drive, Anaheim. Vanessa Massie, health educator, discusses surprising facts about pets.

Those with Interesting pets may bring them. Free. Information: (714) 491-5460. Meditation Methods. American Holistic Health 7:15 to 9 p.m., the Marketplace at UCI, Community Room, 4255 Campus Drive, Suite 200, Irvine.

Exercises and methods of meditation and contemplation will be offered. $5 donation requested. Information: (714) 779-6152. WEDNESDAY, AUG. 17 Fraud Focus.

Consumer Credit Counseling Service of Orange County, 7 p.m., 17782 E. 17th West Building, Suite 108, Tustin. "Focus on Fraud: How to Recognize It and How to Avoid It" explains different types of fraud, warning signs and what to do If one becomes a fraud victim. Free. Reservations: (714) 544-8880.

Breakfast Forum. The Inside Edge Foundation for Education, 6:30 to 8:30 a.m., Scott's restaurant, 3300 Bristol Costa Mesa. Marilyn Ferguson, publisher of "The BrainMind Bulletin," a clearinghouse for consciousness research, Is the speaker. Buffet breakfast; networking. Visitors welcome.

$15 first-time guests. Reservations: (7 1 4) 730-5050. Send terns at (east two weeks before the event to Lectures Seminars, The Times, 1375 Sunflower Costa Mesa, CA 92626. Telephone calls will not be accepted. Because of space limitations, The Times cannot guarantee that all notices will be published.

Items must Include subject, telephone number, event date, time and exact address. Compiled by LYNN O'DEU vides. It's as ugly and simple as that, Reynolds says. And he's trying to gather citizens on his side to help stop it. The tobacco industry is not amused.

DeeDee Whitt, representative for R.J. Reynolds, says: "Adults don't want to be told what to do, but Patrick wants to tell them anyway." Thomas Lauria, spokesman for the Tobacco Institute, says the lobbying group "declines comment on Mr. Reynolds' activities." Rep. Scotty Baesler who debated Reynolds on "Night-line" last week, says, "I represent the farmers out in the fields. Tobacco provides 60 of their income in our state.

That can't be changed or eliminated without great hardship-something Reynolds mightn't understand." California, Berkeley. He was raised like a prince but had no realm. A few, uncommunicative visits with his dad, from the ages of 9 to 15. And one weekend a month with his mother, when he came home from boarding school. "There was no mirror for me to look into, to ever know who I really was," Reynolds says.

He has undergone psychotherapy, attended Adult Children of Alcoholics for two years and participates in a men's group where he can unload the accumulated grief. "Once you grieve, you can heal," he says. He readily admits to scads of broken romances and a two-year marriage that ended in divorce. He wants nothing more than to marry someone "from a nice family" with whom he can have children, he says. He would like to be the father he never had.

Meanwhile, he says, he'll continue to battle against the industry that gave him so much and then took it away. organization works," asks a woman who wants to know how many employees he has, what they do, how they go about trying to rid the world of tobacco. Reynolds pauses. Smiles. Rubs his forehead.

Then divulges that he "has no money" for employees, that he can afford a secretary only on Friday afternoons, that he works alone out of his small house and that he is in need of funds to continue his crusade. "I earn my living from giving these lectures," he says. Reynolds is not exactly poor by most people's standards, but he might have been much richer if he'd kept his stock. He says he has spent about half his inheritance on the anti-smoking crusade, and he Aug. 11 through Sept.

1, 630-640 S. Gtassell Suite 105, Orange. For women who want to better understand the relationship between mothers and adult daughters. Preregistration required. $50 for the series.

Information: (714) In 1979, Reynolds divested himself of $2.5 million worth of tobacco stock inherited from his grandmother. His mother, a lifetime smoker, had recently died of emphysema and heart disease; his favorite aunt, Nancy, of lung cancer and emphysema. He was fighting his own pack-a-day habit of 10 years, which he finally conquered in 1986. One year later, he notified his brothers that he was about to testify on Capitol Hill in favor of a ban on cigarette financial aavaniage over cnaneng- lit (nil ers at election time. Reynolds believes these officials won't ever vote willingly against tobacco interests because they would lose the contributions the industry pro- Thursdays!.