The Los Angeles Times from Los Angeles, California • Page 164

LOS ANGELES TIMES E4 MONDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 1998 By Roy Rlvenburg, Times Staff Writer Bird Jacuzzi: Attention, birds! Now you need never fly south again! Thanks to Hammacher Schlemmer, you can instead while away the winter hours in a luxurious "thermostatically controlled IHI.J?. heated birdbath" (that's fancy human talk for "bird It's the perfect antidote to El Nifio and, according to the catalog, it can "also be used in warmer months with the cord unplugged." Wow! Order now for just $79.95 (cash only, no twigs or worms accepted). 4r Statistic Of the Day: Jay Leno and David Letterman told 210 jokes about President Clinton's sex life during the final 10 days of January five fewer than they uttered during all of 1997, according to the Center for Media and Public Affairs. The joke flurry was the Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-Bell Prize. (Ashlee Lib- erman, 10, Tarzana, Woodland Hills El Back to Our Old Habits: Kenneth Starr's investigation is still rolling along.

"How many would rather get rid of Starr and just have Bill, Hillary, Monica and Paula all go on 'Jerry Springer' and throw chairs at themselves?" (Jay Leno) Clinton II: At the White House, Barbra Streisand and fiance" James Brolin attended a dinner for British Prime Minister Tony Blair but weren't allowed to spend the night because the Clintons have a new rule that unmarried couples can't sleep together there. They feel it would give the White House a bad image. "Does the White House have any image left at this point?" (Leno) Non-Clinton Joke Section: "Have you seen that Ensure commercial where the little girl is sitting on a bench with an old man and she says, 'Grandpa, can I marry At first I thought it was a TV movie about Woody Allen and Soon-Yi. (Leno) Coma Chameleon: A recording of German racer Michael Schumacher's voice is credited with bringing an Italian fan out of a coma. "A recording of Kenny is being blamed for putting the man in the coma." (Olympla Dally World) Flew the Koop: Former Surgeon General C.

Everett Koop has turned down an offer to be buried at Arlington National Cemetery. "Koop said, 'It's a nice gesture, but I'm still alive (Conan O'Brien) Toy Story: An annual international toy fair is being held in New York City. There's a computer version of the board game Monopoly. "It's called Microsoft" (Alan Ray) Gated Community: While visiting Brussels, Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates was hit in the face with a cream pie. "Gates took it gracefully.

He immediately bought Brussels and had everybody deported." (Premiere Radio) Cafeteria Terror: In Utah, a high school student with a gun attempted to take over the school's cafeteria. Afterward, students told reporters it was the scariest thing that's ever happened to them in the cafeteria. "Unless you count Sloppy Joe day." (Steve Voldseth) Clone Call: Calling it "scientifically dangerous, morally unacceptable and ethically flawed," Sen. Ted Kennedy introduced a bill to ban human cloning. "Or maybe he was talking about Clinton and the Kennedy family." (Mark Wheeler) Box Office Update: The movie "The Replacement Killers" opened recently.

"First in line at the theater: O.J. Simpson." (Joshua Sostrln) SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053. ementary) Where do sheep go to get their hair cut? The baa baa shop. (Chandrlka Shpak, 7, Cypress, Vessels Elementary) Why did they fire the man who worked in the monkey cages at the zoo? He couldn't grasp de-tails. (Marlssa Steiner, 9, Rancho Palos Verdes, Rolling Hills Country Day School) Where should you never take a dog? To the flea market.

(Joey Llberman, 7, Tarzana, Woodland Hills Elementary) Why did the clock go to the doctor? Because it felt run down. (Alex Soudler de Lucero, 5, Corona, Lusieflo Elementary What do ghosts like to eat? Scream cheese. (Dylan Gantz, 6, New Rochelle, N.Y., Mount Tom School) SEND US A LINE: Kids, got a joke? Send it to Pint-Sized Punch Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053. Include your full name, age, hometown and school. "most concentrated dose of humor on any single topic" in the past decade, the report said.

We're pleased to note that Off-Kilter would never stoop to belittling the presidency in such a tawdry manner. However, the newspaper in Hartford, would, and we'd be remiss not to keep you fully informed. Columnist Jim Shea recently issued predictions about where the cast of characters in the Clinton sex scandal would be 10 years from now. His peek into 2008: Monica Lewinsky: Recovering from double knee-replacement surgery. Vernon Jordan: Running a successful employment agency.

Kenneth Starr: Looking into allegations that Bill Clinton may have misappropriated funds during his term as sixth -grade class treasurer. Buddy: First Dog's death is being investigated by right-wing groups who believe the official hit-by-car story is part of a New World Order conspiracy. Cupid Department: In honor of St. Valentine's Day (or, as it's known in Hillsborough, N.J., Special Person Day), we are running a series of reports on romance. Our first installment comes from cyberspace, where Internet sweethearts are being offered the chance to exchange "virtual vows" online.

The fake weddings will be presided over by a computer-generated Elvis impersonator and backed by a choir of electronic cherubs. The mass vows will take place at http:www.exclte.com between 7 and 9 p.m. on Valentine's Day. But Off-Kilter sincerely hopes you have something better to do Saturday than sit in front of a computer screen. Mark Your Calendars: February may be the shortest month of the year, but it's still action-packed.

In addition to celebrations for groundhogs, valentines and two dead presidents, February is National Canned Food Month, National Fiber Focus Month, Return Shopping Carts to the Market Month, National Humpback Whale Month, National Sleep Month, National Cherry Month, National Snack Foods Month, National Grapefruit Month, Potato Lovers Month, National Farm Woman Month and, of course, World Shovel Race Championship Month (in which contestants slide down a New Mexico mountain on waxed grain shovels at speeds of up to 80 mph). Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: "World's Smartest 3-Year-Old Has 504 I.Q.! She Creates Computer Programs, Solves Calculus Problems in Her Head and Reads the Weekly World News!" (Weekly World News) In other words, she's qualified to write this column. Roy Rivenburg can be reached by e-mail at roy.rlvenburg latlmes.com. Contributors: Olympia Oaily World, Wireless Flash, Hartford Courant DOONESBURY By GARRY TRUDEAU w4 I OKAY, KIPS, JHO mm LJ MOWS WHAT rj "IMPROPER coNPUCTis? SUB SAYS THE WHOLB THIRP GRAPB IS PRETTY CONFUS5P ABOUT HJHATS ITS 60TTENS0 BAP THAT SCHOOL HAS HAP Mm, has als. i YOU ABOUT TOBRINSINA 5 SCANPAU FACILITATOR.

mm Women Guilty of Verbal Abuse Too DEAR ABBY bally abusive, I apologize, for that was not my intention. A pattern of verbal abuse is far more serious than an occasional lapse of temper; it's about controlling one's partner. It's intended to drain the victim of confidence, and its volume increases so that the victim is thrown off balance and reeling from emotional battering. If abusive behavior cannot be resolved with therapy, the sensible solution is to end the relationship as you did. When it is time to send the wedding invitations, use this wording: "Together with their families, Roberta Smith, daughter of Alice Smith and the late Bob Smith, and Alan Jones, son of Mr, and Mrs.

Mark Jones," etc. i 0 Dear Abby: I am a 32-year-old, well-built woman and, am often told that I'm very attractive. I am also gay and have been in a relationship for six years. At work, men frequently hit on me and ask, "Do you have a boyfriend?" Although the town I live in is fairly open-minded, I don't really want to "out" myself to clients, because not all of them are open-minded, and I don't want to cost my company arty business because some clients may be bigoted. How should I rebuff such verbal advances? -ANONYMOUS IN MICHIGAN Dear Anonymous: Say, "I'm flattered but I'm already involved with someone." To reach Abigail van Buren, write to Dear Abby, P.O.

Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069; ABIGAIL VAN BUREN Dear Abby: I read with interest the letter in your column from "I'd Rather Be Alone." I agree with what you and she said, but I was disappointed that you let her get away with saying there are far too many verbally abusive husbands out there. Out of fairness, there are too many abusive people. It is a stereotype to think that only men are abusive. I was in a verbally abusive marriage for 11 years. My wife would yell, scream and swear at me in front of our children.

When I tried to leave the house, she would block the door with her body and tell me I couldn't leave. She would belittle me, call me names and berate me for things she had done. Years of counseling did not help. She was powerless to change her behavior, and I finally had to file for divorce. Please, Abby, it's not always the man who is the abuser.

-ALONE AND RECOVERING IN OREGON Dear Alone and Recovering: if I implied that only men are ver KEVIN P. CASEY Los Angela Times Sim of the Irvine founding UCI faculty member Spencer C. Olin and philanthropist Allen Chao. Honored with the UCI Medal, from left, were L.A. Times cartoonist Michael P.

Ramirez, Richard F. Dear Abby: I am a widow. How do I announce my daughter's engagement? My daughter and I want to include her late father's name, but are unsure whether it is proper. Is there a correct form for this? -ASKING IN OLYMPIA, WASH. Dear Asking: According to Emily Post's "Complete Book of Wedding Etiquette," the wording for the newspaper announcement of your daughter's engagement should be: "Mrs.

Bob Smith announces the engagement of her daughter, Miss Roberta Smith, to Alan Jones, etc. Miss Smith is also the daughter of the late Bob Smith." CONWAY "the world is a better place," he said. "It's freer and, you could say, a little kinder and gentler. So please, keep up the good work." Winning medals: the Chao family of Orange County, who have made contributions of more than $3 million to the newly renamed Chao Family Comprehensive Cancer Center at UCI; Spencer C. Olin, founding UCI faculty member; Michael P.

Ramirez, winner of the Pulitzer Prize and now an editorial cartoonist for The Times; and Richard F. Sim, group president of investment properties for the Irvine Co. Former medal winners Peggy Goldwater Clay and David R. Dukes co-chaired the event. Guests also included Irvine Co.

Chairman Donald L. Bren; former UCI Chancellor Jack Peltason; and Joan Irvine Smith. Proceeds will go toward university scholarships. Continued from El gang," he said. "There's no place I won't go to talk to a kid about staying out of gangs." Guests dined on filet of beef and sea bass at tables set with vases filled with carnations and lilies.

In deference to the president's tastes, there would be no broccoli served at the dinner, quipped Carol Stone, CEO of the Volunteer Center of Orange County. Concluding his remarks, Bush told guests that the "spirit of democracy was being felt around the world." With the fall of the Soviet Union, UCI Medal: Three individuals and a family received the UCI Medal the equivalent of an honorary doctoral degree during a benefit dinner at the Hyatt Regency Irvine. "The University of California doesn't give honorary degrees, so this is the way we recognize our best friends and people who have meant a lot to our campus," UCI Chancellor Laurel L. Wilkening said during a pre-dinner reception last week for new and former medal winners. Dogs in Dorms? Idea's for the Birds Ai Landers FLORIST for dogs.

It's not fair to the students or the animals. Plus, there are much better ways for students to protect themselves for example, walking in pairs, locking doors, avoiding alcohol and drugs and the students who use them, and reporting suspicious people. Students need to work with the college administration to make the halls as safe as possible. DR. DANE FOUST Director of residence life State University of New York College at Oneonta Dear Dr.

Foust: Thank you for a thoughtful response. I was inundated with letters from college students none very complimentary. Keep reading for more: From the University of Chicago: Have you lost your mind? Dogs in a dorm? The dorm rooms are so small that two girls can barely turn around, and you want to put a dog in there? Puh-leeeeze! Tlpp City, Ptllo: Trust me, Ann. Dogs in dorm rooms would be a disaster. Most college students would not take the responsibility of walking their pets.

The campus would soon smell like a barnyard. Evanston, The suggestion that a student keep a dog in her dorm is the craziest thing I've heard in a long time. We have security officers on campus, and nobody has to feed or walk them. Hanover, Dogs are not the solution to campus crime. A dorm room is a zoo even without animals.

I know about one off-campus fraternity that kept a St. Bernard as a mascot. That poor dog was rarely fed and was often given alcohol. Eventually, the humane society had to be called to protect the animal from its irresponsible owners. Cary, N.C.: Keeping dogs on campus is a lousy idea.

The whole place would smell like a kennel and cost a fortune to maintain, and the dogs would fight with each other in the dormitory halls. To reach Ann Landers, write to Ann Landers, 435 N. Michigan Chicago, IL 60611. Dear Ann: As the director of a college residence hall and member of the SPCA, I would like to respond to the Temple, Texas, parent who suggested that students keep dogs in college residence halls as protection. Here are my top 10 reasons why dogs should not be in residence halls: 10.

Some students are allergic. 9. Dogs cause damage. They chew things and can ruin rugs. 8.

Who's responsible when Susie's Rottweiler eats Sandy's Chihuahua? 7. Dogs fight. 6. Dogs bark. 5.

Where do the dogs go over semester breaks? 4. Some dogs like alcohol, too. 3. There's not enough room. 2.

Who needs fleas? 1. Who cleans up the mess? While everyone should be concerned about the problem of unwanted pets in our society, the residence halls are not good places arrangements shot, he answered like a businessman: "For what they are paying me, I don't But the mainstay of his business is "people buying flowers just to be happy." Having grown up in the world's most flower-conscious country, Maarse relishes the idea of flowers being part of everyday life, not just something for big events. "If you have a garden full of geraniums that smell wonderful and you go out and cut a big basket and you put geraniums all over your house with loving care into the vessels, that's all that matters. That's the way you like them." He does not subscribe to the idea that flowers have feelings and respond to music or soft words. "I hope they don't have feelings I cut a hundred a day," he chuckled.

"Flowers do love water, though. They hate to be out of water." "I was in New York first, staying at the YMCA on 43rd Street, and that was definitely not a garden," he recalled. He took a Greyhound bus to San Francisco, where an uncle was a violinist in the symphony, and then moved on to Pasadena. He has long been active in civic groups and often designs for movie and TV productions. "Movies are fun because you learn so much from the set designers," he said.

For one of the "Beverly Hills Cops" films, which opens with a holdup in a jewelry store, he produced a huge arrangement in a crystal vase. "The idea was for the vase to be shot and to shatter, but it didn't work. We had to make six or eight before they finally used a tiny bit of plastic explosive." (When a friend asked whether he didn't hate seeing his flower Continued from El everything made for the offices, then on Friday we will make up the deliveries for Saturday." No matter how organized everything is, he keeps his fingers crossed. "Everyone gives 100, from the drivers to the designers. It's a fun day, because the things we make are so colorful and people like them.

But I'm always glad when it's over. "We have a wonderful staff, we like what we are doing, and we do it hard," said Maarse, whose wife, Clara, is his business manager. "I've always worked six days a week since I came to this country." He was 19 then, with a work permit as a horticulture specialist..