Reno Gazette-Journal from Reno, Nevada • Page 6

Selecting a marriage partner. What you see is what you get the child has a track record of fractured relationships and dysfunctioning parents, that's his model." While couples do not have to talk to Troutner about their lives, most do, he says, because they love each other and want a good marriage. i -i Family living home, community activities Betty Malmgren, editor (Editor's note: From the number of wedding stories we have been receiving, it appears the institution of marriage is as important as ever. Stories running this week on the Family Living pages will focus on that institution in relation to changing lifestyles and traditions). By PAMELA GALLOWAY Getting married seems a risky move these days, with one out of every three unions forecast as doomed.

But it is possible to reduce the risk of choosing the wrong marriage partner. And more young couples considering tying the knot are pausing to think objectively before the big leap. Also on the increase is the number of couples who live together before they get married, a local pastor says, adding that this kind of relationship has assets and liabilities. He also says a healthier society exists because young people are more knowledgeable about sex, more real and more accepting than they were a decade ago. Ernest Troutner, minister of First United Methodist Church of Reno, prefers to talk with young couples before performing any ceremonies.

He offers a Marriage Prediction Schedule and Sex Knowledge Inventory tests for young people, on a voluntary basis. The schedule includes questions in areas of education, religious background, attitudes towards parents, personality, and how couples view the extent to which they agree or disagree with each other. Do they agree on money matters, recreation, religion, demonstration of affection, friends, how to deal with families? HAPPY CHILDHOOD Troutner feels the greatest single factor of importance in the schedule concerns characteristics of parents and home life. "What counts," he says, "is the home they've come from, the happiness in that unit and their childhood happiness. If "If a 15-year-old girl and a 17-year-old boy come in and they haven't known each other long, my response as a pastor is i will not marry he said.

There have been cases when he has denied ceremonies, "not on the basis that my judgment is better than theirs, but on the basis of their mental and physical well being," Troutner said. Clergy don't exist for young couples just to tie the knot, he says. They hope to be friends and counselors too. A high percentage of the couples who come to see Troutner and have lived together first say they feel this relationship has helped them make their marriage decision. NO INVESTMENT "So many couples are living together now, and it seems to be a realtionship which society is living with.

The religious community doesn't recommend this relationship openly. "At the same time, it seems not to be faulting couples who have this, because it is so prevalent," Troutner explained. Assests include knowing what to expect from the person in dealing with him or her from day to day the squeeze-the-toothpaste-in-the-middle syndrome. Also, couples get to really know each other, he said. The liability he sees is that there is no bond or commitment.

"Maybe one partner doesn't make a full investment in the relationship. This is the risk you run getting hurt," he feels. He paused for a moment, and then started reciting: "Make not a bond of love, but rather let it be a moving sea between the shores of your soul." The prediction schedule also asks questions like, "If you could, what things would you change in your fiance?" What the individual expects the future to be like is another question. "One husband came to me recently after he was married and said he had created a whole bunch of expectations about the relationship. I say don't have any expectations (of the other person)," Troutner said.

UNREAL TREADMILL And the idea that you will "change" someone after the ceremony isn't realistic. What you see is what you get. If you want things to be different you can change yourself, but not someone else, he said. Some couples have changed their minds about marriage after talking to Troutner and participating in the evaluation. "Some say they'll postpone the marriage to take time to get to understand one another.

Some want to see a coun-celor or take a psychology course," he said. Some even kiss the relationship goodbye. The Sex Knowledge Inventory test consists of 80 questions, mostly technical. Women, he remarked, usually get higher scores than men. "The test attempts to find out where sex information and education came from, and whether the understanding was helpful oj harmful.

"Sex is an integral part of who we are, and sexual dysfunction or incompatibility is a major part of marital discord. If people have a healthy sense of well being and not a lot of inhibitions and hangups, sex won't be a problem," the minister explained. He feels that a bad introduction to sexuality can contribute to malfunctioning. And he notes that "younger Erma Bombeck Thoughts on marriage "Be the change you want to see happen, instead of trying to change everyone else," is one of the Love Project Principles Rev. Ernest Troutner likes to recite when counseling couples considering marriage.

He also feels young couples shouldn't have a lot of expectations of each other another principle written by The Love Project, a San Diego organization. (Gazette photo) people are much more knowledgeable about sex than they used to be." Some couples aren't totally honest when answering the questions, and in an attempt to put down the "right answers'' because they are cautious and guarded, they become very transparent in the minister's eyes. While Troutner does not feel people should be alike, the more a couple has in common, the better the chances of a successful marriage. He volunteered several examples. "The form picks up education opportunities both have had.

Advanced education is a privilege that is a positive factor in the evaluation. But if education is equal, one doesn't feel inferior. "A Ph.D. and a high school dropout would create stress. That doesn't mean the relationship wouldn't Work, just that there is added stress," he described.

The same is true for a person from a high economic bracket who married one from a low economic brakcet. It becomes important, he says, in how they relate. What is important, the Methodist pastor feels, is for people to be real with each other and have the will to love each other in order for a maximum marriage to exist. The dimension of the will to love is primary. "What is your definition of love His response: "Seeking the happiness of someone else." Eleanor's words are her inspiration Evening Gazette Monday, June 30, 1975 "Most couples are focusing on the marriage when they come in, and have dealth with major issues earlier.

But a number of times when people sit down and start discussing themselves, grievances which may have remained hidden do arise," he finds. First dates are like walking on eggs, he described, and then people start getting more real with one another. But some hide problems and race into marriage. This is one reason Troutner thinks it is helpful for a couple to have known each other for two years in courtship. It decreases the risk of "surprises." "Of course there are a lot of exceptions," he admitted, citing his own courtship with his wife.

AGE FACTOR Another importnat aspect engaged couples might consider is age. If a bride is less than 20, and the bridegroom is under 22, an unwarranted risk exists. Wife will be equal partner in new English ceremony By ED BLANCHE LONDON (AP) Brides will have to vow to share their paychecks with their husbands when they marry, according to a modernized marriage service proposed by British clergymen. But the brides will not have to vow to obey their husbands if the Church of England approves the new "women's lib" service. (Obey is seldom found in American marriage services.

The new English service was produced by the Church's Liturgical Commission as an alternative to the 300-year-old form still used today. It will be discussed by the Church's General Synod and, if approved as expected, could be in use by next summer. A commission spokesman explained that the proposed service was devised to treat the wife as an equal partner in a marriage. MODERN APPROACH "It uses everyday language and has a modern approach to sex, with thE emphasis on the mutual help nad comfort that husband and wife ought to give each other in marriage," he said. "We have tried to express more positive Christian acceptance and enjoyment of sexuality as a great gift of God and not as a grudging concession for the 'avoidance of which is one of the reasons for marriage cited in the present service." The new service drops many of the tongue-twisting phrases spoken by millions of nervous couples in church weddings for three centuries.

Bridegrooms will simply say "this is my solemn vow" instead of "thereto I plight thee my troth." 'WITH THIS RING Out will go the time-honored "with this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly goods I thee endow." That will become: "I give you this ring as a sign of our marriage and with my body I honor you, all that I am I give to you and all that I have I share with you." And the bride, who once just had to smile after her man made his vow, now will have to say the same thing promising to share her possessions with her husband. But some of the old phrases will stay, such as "till death do us part." Summer food care NUDE FURNITURE ACOUSTIC CEILINGS SPRAYED and Resprayed CUSTOM SHUTTERS Windows Doors Dividers Finished Any Color Stainod tie Painted Free Estimates A Expert Installation "76 fears Experience" 323-9092 Ponderosa Shutter Sales Covers most Living Room, Hall Dining Room Area VVSPECIAL A very large selection of quality unfinished furniture both hardwood and softwoods. CARSON CITY 19S9 Hwy. SO E. -883-1 157 RENO 1095 E.4th St.

-322-7097 9:30 6 p.m. Mon. Sat. housework as a formal religion. I spread the word, "wanted, interruptions by suburban housewife.

No offer is too ridiculous for consideration. Call Erma, 888-9900 Out of state call Operator5." INTERRUPTIONS And the interruptions came in. I subbed on a jousting team. Learned how to braid bread. Had another baby.

Audited a Weight Watchers class. Took Hebrew Flower Arranging. Dyed my hair orange. Had another baby. Made a musical out of an encounter group.

Raised hamsters in my home for a new coat. And learned how to parallel park a golf cart. I don't know if I have the right attitude or not. Will my kids remember that I taught them how to ride a two-wheel bike or that the garage was condemned? Will they remember that I sat with them when they had measles and watched Gilligan's Island reruns or that my kitchen buckled under too much wax? I wish I knew. All I can say is, "Eleanor, if you know something I don't know give me a sign." NO MESS No need to move furniture Call 747-4867 lor Istlmate J-SPRAY The inspiring words of famous Americans have often brought goose bumps to my skin.

Like Barbara Frietchie's "Shoot, if you must, this old gray head, But spare your country's flag," does it for roe. So does Robert Kennedy's "Some men see things as they are and say why. I dream things that never were and say why not?" And of course, the dramatic, "The Eagle has landed" brings a tear. But nothing has stirred me more than a quotation attributed to the late Eleanor Roosevelt When she was asked if housekeeping bothered her she replied, "I rarely devote more than IS minutes a day toil." Good Lord, that's beautiful SPARKLING All my life I have waited for a President to say, "All I am or ever hope to be I owe to my mother's sparkling toitet bowl." Or a woman accepting the Nobel Prize for literature saying, "I must share this with my mother whose devotion to dust inspired me." But it has never happened I personally find 15 minutes a day doing housework excessive, but it's the idea that counts. When I was first married I broke my homes cleaning that apartment.

Then one day, I was interrupted. "Where are you going?" asked my husband "I'm going to have a baby. I'll only be a minute or two." That was 22 years ago and I never got back to TO APHIS Information, United States Department of Agriculture, 630 Sansome Room 702, San Francisco, Calif. 94111. For a free copy of questions and answers on sumemr food care, write for "Summertime Foods" to YOUR DAY, THE BIG.

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