St. Louis Post-Dispatch from St. Louis, Missouri • Page 26

2C ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 1993 DAVE BARRY JERRY BERGER Communing With Nature In Yuck, Swamp River City Broadcasting Bids For Fox Affiliate In Texas YOU LOOK at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Heming-way, William Faulkner and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice two things about them: 1. They all had editors. 2.

They are all dead. Thus we can draw the scientific conclusion that editors are fatal. I was made intensely aware of this recently when, as the direct result of an idea conceived of by my editor, I wound up flailing around up to my armpits in the Swamp of Doom. That is not its technical name. Its technical name is the Big Cypress National Preserve, which is part of the Everglades ecosystem, an enormous, wet, nature-intensive area that at one time was considered useless, but which is now recognized as a vital ecological resource, providing Florida with an estimated 93 percent of its bloodsucking insects.

amputation." And this does not refer to the snake.) I used the machete to cut the tag off the safari-style helmet, so the wildlife creatures would not think I was some easily edible swamp rookie. But I was still nervous. And I did not feel better when we met our guide, John Kalafarski, a Park Service ranger who is extremely knowledgeable about wildlife. "See this tree?" he said, pointing to a tree that looked, to me, exactly like every other tree in the Everglades. "This is a poisonwood tree.

You don't want to touch it." "I'm not touching anything," I said. Then we began our hike. At first it was fine. There was an actual path, with little signs to identify the plants. But suddenly.

John, having apparently brushed up against a lunaticwood tree, plunged RIGHT INTO THE SWAMP. Soon we were up to our knees in murky festering soup, walking on one of those squishy muck bottoms, surrounded by dense growth and the smell of STREETALK: Barry Baker's broadcast group, River City Broadcasting, is reportedly close to buying Paramount Communications-owned Fox affiliate KRRT-TV in San Antonio, Texas. Sources say that the deal will call for River City to affiliate its remaining stations with Para-mount's proposed fifth network. River City has Fox affiliate No, really, the Everglades are very important. Tragically, they have been tampered with by man, an ecological moron who is always blundering into sensitive areas and befouling them with beer cans, used condoms, golf courses, etc.

Only lately has man realized that the best thing KDNL-TV here and stations in Indianapolis, Kokomo, and another station in San Antonio Just out (on Monday) is the Dec. 6 issue of U.S. rotting vegetation. Deeper and deeper we went. I was fighting my way through big snarls of vines, stumbling over logs, falling into hidden holes, while up ahead, John, oblivious to the aura of menace all around us, was delivering a cheerful nonstop commentary on the flora and faufta, pointing out rare mushrooms, tree snails, etc.

I wanted to scream: "TREE SNAILS? There could be GIANT SNAKES hiding in this water, and you're looking at TREE But I did not want to act like a weenie. I saved that until the water started getting deeper, and deeper, until finally we were up to our armpits, our feet sinking in goo, and John, pointing right in front of us; said, "This is an alligator hole." "You mean there's a (bad word) ALLIGATOR in there?" I asked. "Yes," said John, "and it's appropriate that you should use that word to describe him, because this is mating season." "WE DON'T WANT YOUR WOMEN!" I shouted at the hole. for him to do is stay out of the Everglades. This was certainly MY policy.

For years the only contact I had with the Everglades was when I drove across them on Highway 41 at a speed of 87 mph, which I figured was fast enough to outrun any wildlife that might prey on motorists. Even then I occasionally had Nature Encounters, such as the time my car encountered a flying green bug large enough to have a Business Class section, which produced a windshield splat easily the size of U.S. Labor Secretary Robert Reich. All the lawyers really should Know how doctors are so good Especially when they're well-insured defendants." "When the doctors operate, Lawyers get to litigate. But that's no reason why they can't be friends." Turning to the skit on yard signs in Ladue, the city's mayor is summoned when another sign is spotted on a lawn.

"This better be important," says the Ladue mayor, "because I am in the middle of a croquet game with Don Schlapprizzi." To the tune of "On the Street Where You Live," the Ladue police chief sings: "I have often been in Ladue before, But I never heard such yelling and ado before All at once did I heave a gasping sigh. When I first saw a sign on the lawn." Then in a skit on the looming football expansion, a cast member says, "Mr. Stan Kroenke. Please get us a team. To help him afford one, we'll all do our part by shopping at a Wal-Mart." Tickets at $50 each for the gridiron dinner may be ordered by calling the Lawyers Association, 862-0136.

WHERE ARE OUR WANDERING BOYS Former Missouri Guv Warren E. Hearnes has been appointed to the Missouri Advisory Commission on the Organization of the Judicial Department by Senate Prez Pro Tern Jim Mathewson. The commish has been asked to study the workings of Jhe Judicial Department. WHEE, THE PEOPLE: Barbara Apted, wife of restaurateur Steve Apted, was honored Saturday at Wilderness Lodge in honor of "her accomplishments as the trail ride director at the Les-terville, lodge." According to Fred Lesh, an octogenarian and onetime trail guide there, Barb has put in many hours to make the trail ride one of the area's best Shake hands with Vito Ponti-cello, who is celebrating his 40th year in chow biz at his eatery, Ponticello's, on Bellefontaine Road. Ponticello began his career in the kitchen of yesteryear's Rose's Restaurant The famed chicken spedini and KC strip steaks at Rizzo's East may now be rediscovered at its new location in Granite City, next to the City Hall, with Mike Rizzo and Norbert Shade in charge.

"That might offend him," Tom pointed out. "NOT THAT WE DON'T FIND YOUR WOMEN ATTRACTIVE!" I shouted at the hole. Fortunately we got out of there without having any important limbs chomped off. Although the Certs were ruined. When we got back onto the dry trail, I opened the beef-jerky package with my machete and passed it around, and we enjoyed a pleasant sense of fellowship and accomplishment and wondered if we would need oral surgery to repair the jerky-related damage to our teeth.

If you enjoy nature, I strongly recommend that you, too, take a hike in the Everglades. I'll wave to you from the car. So it never occurred to me to set actual foot in the Everglades until my editor, Tom Shroder, suggested that I go hiking with him out there. "It's real interesting," he said, never once mentioning alligators, let alone poison trees. So one Saturday morning we went.

On the edge of. the Everglades we stopped for supplies at a combination truck stopsporting-goods store. I bought the survival basics: a safari-style helmet, a machete, beef jerky, a bottle of Evian water, a snakebite kit and Certs. (Here is an actual quotation from the snakebite kit instructions: "Misuse of the lymph constrictor could cause gangrene which might even necessitate News World Report in which scribe Kukula Glastris fawned over Anne Keefe and her former employer, KMOX radio. Glastris favors the station's style over that of Howard Stern and Rush Limbaugh.

By the by, Glastris is married to the magazine's Chicago bureau chief, Paul Glastris, a 77 alum of Parkway West High. His mom and pop are our town's Bill and Bess Glastris. Look for developer Steve Symsack, who owns the Esquire Theatre, to sell the movie palace to American Multi Cinemas, which currently leases it If you're looking for riverboat commander John Connelly on Friday, you'll find him in Tunica, where he'll be supervising the grand opening of his newest President floating casino. THEY GET NO RESPECT: "A River Ran Through Us" is the handle for the Lawyers Association of St. Louis' gridiron dinner at 6 p.m.

Dec. 10 at America's Center. Written by Steve Meyerkord, Ray Fournie and Tom Schlaf- ly, the show will spare no barbs, including the skit on President Clinton's health care plan, which "provides that patients, doctors and nurses have their own lawyers in the operating rooms." Then there's the scenario on doctors and lawyers in which one doctor diagnoses the wrong problem. After he's corrected by another doctor, medic 1 confesses, "Yeah, the good old days are gone forever. Why, I used to do five gallbladders and a couple of and be on the first tee by 9 a.m." And one of the verses in a song features these lyrics: "The lawyers should respect the good physicians, Who simply want to keep their independence.

It's NEW! It's HUGE! It's GRAND! MJnmWIIJIEIE WMfcIEIHInJE 5 i I 9 A 1 'J TTil7mnrirffi I 'film IfahliMi'iMTi liM -XfUfti II tuTJiTEffiETl 7 n. I in DR. PAUL D0N0HUE rag ilgSP8l I RECLINERS A perfect gift idea! Overgrowth Of Heart Muscle Can Be Inherited Problem Man-sized comfort 188 9 Choose from many more vj 2 and 3 piece living rooms throughout our showroom from It. tS- Tit 5. MR mm mation in the lower chamber.

When the heart beats irregularly, you face the specter of blood pooling and subsequent clotting. Those clots can break clear and cause a stroke by blocking flow to the brain. Coumadin's undesired side effects are few, the most important one reflecting its basic treatment goal: the retardation of clotting. Those who take the drug should take care to prevent its anti-clotting action from becoming counterproductive that is, you must permit clotting when it is needed. You can have a serious bleed unless you adhere to dosage instructions and precautions listed.

Patients on Coumadin thus require regular blood testing to measure clotting ability, to strike a balance between preventing clotting in the upper chambers the atria and preserving the blood's ability to clot when that is required. Dear Dr. Donohue: Is oat bran in again? Oat bran is in again. It had fallen out of favor as a dietary aid in cholesterol lowering, but recent studies show that it can indeed make a difference beyond wheat grain cereals. How great a difference is not clear.

The greatest benefits of oat bran seem to be among women older than 50, although all groups can be helped. mssm I PSTJRE SETS ONLY r-SXi. GUARANTEED FREE LAYAWAY ririT" INSTANT CREDIT AVAILABLE Take advantage of our immediate delivery. Dear Dr. Donohue: My father died of hypertrophic cardiomyopathy.

Should I be checked? All he had was a heart flutter at the end. Yes. Hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, an overgrowth of heart muscle, can be inherited. The excess growth can leave heart chambers so narrow that they cannot hold sufficient blood. Chambers can be reduced to mere slits, and such a heart develops peculiar beats.

It would explain your father's symptoms. Report all this to your doctor. He can listen to your heart and perhaps detect the peculiar murmur typical of hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. You will probably undergo an echocardiogram, a sound-wave test. Although the problem cannot be changed, you can prevent the heartbeat irregularities that develop from it.

Accept my condolences and those of my readers on your loss. Dear Dr. Donohue: Please tell me the facts about time of day and death from exercise. Incidence of heart attacks is said to peak between 6 a.m. and noon.

Some feel it is due in part to a peak of cortisone and adrenalin levels then. Also, blood platelets seem to be stickiest at that time, increasing any blood-clot threat. For those with heart problems, it might be something to keep in mind. Those in a heart rehab program should listen to those in charge insofar as exercise timing and intensity. Dear Dr.

Donohue: I would like some information on Coumadin for people with atrial fibrillation. Is the drug safe? Is it in the experimental stage? What are the side effects? Coumadin graduated from the experimental stage many years ago. It has been used widely for decades now. The reason it gets such wide use is that one of the conditions it treats atrial fibrillation is so common. In atrial fibrillation, the heart's upper chambers ha ve gotten out of sync to the point Jireatening clot for CO fU 5 yr.

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28 Cryptoquip: TEDIOUS AND REPETITIVE SPEECH AT TECHNICIANS' CONVENTION IS GOING IN ONE ENGINEER AND OUT THE OrHER..