St. Louis Post-Dispatch from St. Louis, Missouri • Page 38

ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH MONDAY, OCTOBER 21. 1991 40 family JUDITH NEWMARK 1 Halloween Fear May Replace Fun frt- 1,1 3, i i '5 Volunteer Work As Labor Of Love mm Kaw fPJsmk ill: lit I 1 mm; i 111 Wmm "SUV' hi? B-rrcffi By Susan Figliulo Health Fitness News Service HALLOWEEN is a feast of delicious thrills for most youngsters. For some, however, all those ghosts, witches, goblins and ghouls can bring on a spell of fearfulness that takes the fun out of the holiday. "All kids have fears, and they need to learn to control this themselves," said Lorraine Wallach, a faculty member and administrative director at the Erikson Institute for Advanced Study of early Childhood Development in Chicago.

"The experience of 'measuring' scariness gives a child a chance to learn to handle fear, and that's sort of what Halloween does. In general, the more control a child can feel over what's scary, the better off the child is." The youngest children are unlikely to be frightened by the trappings of Halloween because their understanding of the world is so limited. Toddlers and preschoolers are most susceptible to the scary aspects of Halloween because they're not sure what's real. When they see costumes, for example, "young children may be confused by having someone they know look different," Wallach said. "It goes against what the child thought he knew for certain and then when the mask is removed, things change again.

The child doesn't know what to think." Older kids may be frightened by Halloween, but feel uncomfortable about saying so. "I think we protect a preschooler, but 6 or 7 or 8 years old is very iffy," Wallach said. "They look so much more grown up; they're more groupy in their activities, but often they're not that big at all. They may love the idea of Halloween, but not the idea of being scared." Even adolescents can be overwhelmed by the Halloween atmosphere of scaring and daring. "Sometimes there's a group egging them on and they don't know what to do," Wallach said.

"Adolescents also may feel a complicated fear over not being sure of one's own identity, which may show up over a costume, over not looking like oneself." Parents should be sensitive to all these possibilities, though not to the point of deciding what a child should handle. If a youngster balks at joining a school or community group's Halloween festivities, for example, "try to help the child negotiate his or her participation," Wallach suggested. "You don't want them kicking and screaming, but if everyone is doing something and it's expected, see if it's possible to negotiate something. If the child doesn't want a costume, see if there's a bit of a prop anything that's different from regular clothes that they can wear, and let them say what they are. In this case, I also definitely would avoid covering a child's face," she said.

Halloween preparations at home, especially when older siblings are enthusiastic, can be harder on the fearful child. "But there are lots of things you can do outside of costumes and other scary stuff," Wallach said. "You can make a big deal of a funny pumpkin instead of a scary one. You can draw pictures, you i ht Wil WHEN the most relevant movie that you've seen in ages was made in 1958, It may be time for a little self-examination, I admit But I make no apologies. If you're looking for art that dares to confront one of the great issues in modern woman's life, I challenge you to top the Paul Newman-Joanne Woodward oeuvre "Rally Round the Flag, Boys!" This is a movie probably the only movie that boldly asks the question: "What is the price of volunteer work?" Pretty darn high, is the answer, as the overly volunteering Joanne finds out Thanks to her all-too-conscientious lifestyle and her wily neighbor, played by that typical suburbanite Joan Collins she nearly loses her husband, Paul.

Well, I am not going to lose my husband. My mind, however, is another story. This is fall, the time of the year when my datebook starts to look like one giant scribble of commitments. Benefits and school fundraisers and arts festivals and meetings oh, the blur into a mind-boggling, jaw-tightening haze. Part of me feels overwhelmed.

Part of me gets angry. After all, isn't the whole idea of volunteer-ism a holdover from a lifestyle that I and most women I know no longer live? Maybe it worked years ago, but back then it wasn't expected that men would pitch in on the volunteer front too. (Indeed, one of the big "jokes" in "Rally 'Round the Flag, Boys!" is that Joanne volunteers Paul for a big project! Oh no! What's wrong with her! Doesn't she know he's On the other hand, I really do support all those causes, and I want to do my fair share. Besides, I know I'm not alone. Everybody is in the same fix.

So I decided to ask a couple of women I know who seem pretty good at incorporating volunteer work into their lives without making themselves crazy just how they manage. For Jenny Bluestein, the answer is getting a clear focus. Jenny has a family and a business, Facade, a beauty salon. She also gives a lot of energy to AIDS support organizations that provide direct services to patients. Jenny figures that she typically spends two or three hours a week on volunteer work, more when there's a special project coming up.

But she doesn't feel overwhelmed, she says, because that is all the volunteering she does. "You have to keep things under control," Jenny explained. "You choose a purpose and focus on that and nothing but that. "The thing that happens, and I understand why, is that as soon as people find out you are active you receive reams of mail from every organization possible." All those other groups are doing valuable work, too. But Jenny has figured out the tactful response.

She doesn't "just say no" she takes time to explain why. "I tell them, 'This season, all of my efforts are going toward local AIDS service "You play it in that direction and that is acceptable to other people. They understand." Mary Schoolman has two children, one in high school and one in elementary school, plus a part-time job in computer software. She also has a raft of commitments: teaching Sunday School, leading Brownies, serving on or chairing half a dozen school committees. Like Jenny, Mary feels in control but she adds, it wasn't always that way.

"About two years ago, just getting up in the morning was like one big sigh," Mary said. "I had to learn. Volunteering can control your life, and it did mine for a while. That's counterproductive." Now, she takes on only one big project at a time. Setting limits like that is the key, said family therapist Kathleen Glenn Doyle.

"It's all balance," she said. "You need to value your time and energy as much as you value your money. That's the bottom line." If you're trying to make some decisions, Doyle says, these techniques may help. 'Never agree to anything at once. Always buy some time, saying, "Let me get back to you." Of course, you are then obliged to do so, even if it is to refuse.

Listen to yourself. Think quietly about the project and pay attention to your reaction. Are you feeling enthusiastic or is there a knot in your stomach, or the start of a headache? "The body will always tell us when we have reached our limit" Doyle said. Make some Inquiries. Find out how much time, and what duties, are involved.

Figure out where the time will come from. Work? Family? Exercise? "Make your tradeoff mentally, and see how it feels," Doyle said. Don't confuse the issue. "How much time you spend volunteering at your child's school is not a measure of how much you love your child!" Doyle said. If you make volunteer decisions clearly and unemotionally, you're much more apt to be happy with them rather than guilt-stricken or disgruntled.

That way, says Doyle, "you are being fair to the volunteer organization and to yourself and your family, too." ma. I1 'I', Fearfulness beyond Halloween shouldn't be fueled with excessive caution over relatively remote threats. "There are ages and stages for fearfulness, and they're not necessarily about Halloween," Wallach said. "Nowadays, everyone is so scared about strangers, about tainted food, about all sorts of dangers. Everyone is so hyped up about missing children, for example, when we know that a huge percentage of them are stolen by their own parents.

There's a reality to this, yes, but there's also scaring kids half to death." Parents also should keep in mind that even the bravest children are just children, Wallach added. "I'm very much against these self-defense programs, the 'good touch, bad touch' idea," she said. "Teaching children to defend themselves against adults is absurd. Children can't have real defenses against adults. It's the adult's responsibility to see that a child is safe." can decorate cupcakes." On the big day, "if everybody else Is doing costumes and trick-or-treating, and the child knows this, then I would just say we're having our own Halloween," Wallach said.

"If trick-or-treating is the big deal, take the child to one or two homes where they know people. He or she can wear Daddy's hat or Mom's apron as a costume. If the child isn't ready for all the fuss, he isn't ready." Often, Wallach noted, "parents often are doing Halloween for themselves. They're reliving their good experiences, or doing it better than they had it, instead of doing what the kid needs. You need to put yourself in that child's boots.

If the child is fearful, don't play it up. Never belittle; never say, 'Oh, don't feel like Acknowledge the child's fear and be reassuring: 'I know you're scared, but I'm going to take care of If the kid needs a night light, get a night light for awhile." TALKING WITH PSYCHIATRIST WILLIAM NAGLER Romantic Fires Are Impossible To Rekindle YOU NEED TO By Florence Shinkle Ot the Post-Dispatch Staff BEEN married more than a couple of years, lady? Thinking of buying a sexy negligee in hopes that your husband will rip it off the way he used to? Forget it, says psychiatrist Dr. William Nagler. You'd do better to spend your money on a joint membership to Book-of-the-Month Club and read each other to sleep. "Go for the companionship.

The spark's going to fade," Nagler promises. "It's inevitable, as sure as the sun sinks in the sky. And when the passion's gone, it's gone." No way to rekindle? "Nope. It's like Joan Rivers said, 'If we didn't roll over in our sleep, we wouldn't make Not only can you not bring back the fire when it begins to die, but working on making a relationship exciting is guaranteed to destroy whatever spark may be left." That piece of advice and other cold truths of long-term relationships are contained in Nagler's new book, "The Dirty Half-Dozen: Six Radical Rules to Make Relationships Last" (Warner, Nagler says he wrote the book after learning the hard way that "nooners can ruin a perfectly good relationship, not to mention a lunch hour" and total communication between two people ensured that they'd "end up talking the relationship to death." What happened in your life to make you realize these sober truths? I was in love with this wonderful girl. We'd been together five years.

But we'd both begun to lose interest in having sex quite so often. Assuming that the problem might run deep, we sought professional help. Our therapist advised us to discuss everything with each other and to strive to put the romance back into our lives. We scheduled romantic weekends at rustic inns. We took breaks in the middle of the day to come home and make love.

We talked openly about everything. It was hell. We didn't know it then, but we were working our relationship to death. In your practice, did you counsel your patients to be open and honest just as you were counseled to be? I did. I had this one couple who came to me because they were fighting fiercely and regularly.

I taught them how to reveal their feelings and fight fairly. A year later they filed for divorce. When I started to look at it, I discovered my files were full of people I'd driven apart. I'd been teaching people to fight fair, be open, keep the romance alive, strive to be entertaining all the things that wore down a relationship. So now what are you advising? Well, the first rule we've already talked about: The intense passion will fade.

I don't mean the need for sex will disappear, but the fire of total involvement will, and that's that It will never again be as good as it was at first. But at the end of three months or so, what you've got if you're lucky is someone who cares about you and will watch your back for you. I think people who get divorced because the spark is gone are getting divorced for the wrong reason and will probably spend their lives bed-hopping, going from one passion pit to the other. Another rule? AS Don't fight fair. Fighting fair means that someone ends up a winner and someone ends up a loser and the relationship suffers when there are winners and losers.

So don't fight fair. Don't even put your gloves on and get in the ring. Ask yourself, "Do I really want to fight about this?" Have something to eat and ask yourself again. Low blood sugar can make people cranky and impulsive. One rule should be "Never fight on an empty stomach." Total honesty? As Total honesty requires infinite tact, and the two can't co-exist.

I teach selective honesty. I teach ways of communicating that reduce tension. For instance, I advise my clients never to ask "why" questions when something goes wrong. Ask "what" questions. Don't ask "Why were you late?" Ask "What happened that you were late?" Isn't the first phrasing asking the same thing? Not underneath.

Underneath a "why" question is an attack question. The person asking a "why" question is looking to find error and sin in the other person. Why were you late? Because I'm an unforgivably selfish slob. Observe yourself in action sometime and see if I'm not right You've been on Phil Donahue and Sally Jessy Raphael. How is your gospel going across? Well, Donahue observed that his audience was divided into two camps and ge was the deciding factor.

People under 30 wanted to tar and feather me. They were all for total honesty and consuming passion happily ever after. People over 30, if they were people who were reasonably happily married, had been practicing what I preached for years. and nose holes permit unhin-dered vision and breathing, Trick-or-treaters should use flashlights after dark to help them see and be seen by passing motorists. Tiny trick-or-treaters should be accompanied by adult supervisors.

Pin a note inside costumes including name, address and phone number in case they become lost. Older children should carry change for a phone call in case of an emergency. Visit only familiar neighbor hoods; avoid strange homes. Stop only at homes and apartments that are well-lit. Tell trick-or-treaters that they absolutely may not eat any treats until they get home.

Inspect all goodies; discard anything with loose or broken wrappers. Wash fruit and cut into small pieces to check for inedible contents. Notify po-lice of any suspicious treats. How to keep Halloween safe: Costumes should be made of fire-resistant materials that are lightweight, comfortable and easy to see at night. Add reflective tape to arms and legs of costumes and trick-or-treat bags so that your child is clearly visible to traffic.

Make sure pant legs and skirts are no longer than ankle-length to avoid tripping'. Consider creating ghoulish or fanciful expressions with non-toxic makeup instead of a mask. Because most face paints and makeup kits contain zinc or acrylic, test your child's sensitivity to these products by dabbing a small amount on the inside of their arm and leaving it on for at least one hour. Use a cold cream base under Halloween makeup for easier removal and less sensitivity. If a mask is a must, be sure eye Harvest Mayer's Irish-American Jim Niccum, who had apprenticed at and then taken over his wife's German uncle's bakery.

In 1956, Mayer went back to the Jefferson Avenue bakery, which by then was owned by Reinhart Phillips. Mayer bought it three years later. For years, he baked six days a week all night and half a shift in the afternoon. In 1981, after recovering from a paralyzing illness, he returned to work, but on a shorter week. Today, Mayer does not have any serious baker's apprentices.

All four of the Mayers' children have worked in the bakery, but now that they've all graduated from college, and two from graduate school, they have other goals. The children include a college teacher, a research engineer, a marketing manager and a psychology graduate student "I understand why they don't want to be a baker," he said. "It takes five to six years for a kid to learn to bake. The first year, I lose money on a kid. It's hot working here the bread ovens are 400 degrees and you work all night and Saturdays.

"They quickly learn that no one thinks of the small-businessman. In 15 years, maybe all the bakers will work for the groceries. If people want bread that is made by hand, they have to patronize bakeries where it is made. And not just once a year." l' their hours to 40 each. Now that their kids are 8 and 10, they find they need to spend more time with them.

This shiny new bakery has learned the old-time baker's best sales gimmick: generous offerings available for a free taste. Their cutting board always has fresh-out-of-the-oven breads, muffins and cookies. It's hard to buy just one loaf after you've tasted a couple of other things. The couple think most people buy their bread because it tastes good, but some do it for health reasons. Heart patients tell them their doctors sent them there for no-fat bread.

Some dieters eat it because they get more flavor for the calories. The couple's own tastes have changed. Good flavor matters to them more. "I used to eat doughnuts, but now they sink In my belly for hours," he said. "We get them about twice a year now, maybe a few times more." They ate soft white bread when they were growing up in South County.

On special occasions, maybe after Jeff bad a big day in a Bayless High School basketball game, his parents often served rich baked goods from South County bakeries. Jeff Zehner was a Burlington Northern locomotive engineer living in Montana and Cindy Zehner was studying to be a paralegal aide when they went to a Billings, Mont, restaurant one day and ate some whole-wheat bread. "We weren't health-food nuts, but we just loved if he said. A few days later at Cindy Zehner's aerobics class, the teacher was talking about the same bread, made by a company called Great Harvest Members of the aerobics class learned more and more about it because the teacher talked about starting her own franchise. Soon the Zehners were buying the bread regularly.

"We had never tasted anything like it" Jeff Zehner said. Within a year, they applied for a franchise back in their hometown of St Louis. Montana life was great on weekends, with trout flyfishing, hiking in the mountains and skiing, but finding work was hard. Jeff Zehner tired of being away from home two to three days a week driving freight trains about 280 miles each way from Billings to Helena. They had been talking about moving back to St.

Louis to give their children roots. After taking a course from the Montana home bakery and spending about six months on the road learning from other franchisers, the Zehners started baking bread here. The huge oven has been humming steadily ever since. And this month, they began the process aU over again in Clayton. From page one bakery didn't even have a refrigerator just an ice box when John Mayer started working for Koch there in 1947.

But after he stopped baking every day, she started stashing an occasional loaf in the freezer at home. The bakery shop's interiors as well as its fresh-baked goods make it one of St Louis' treasures. The bakery was renovated in 1936 in art deco style. Its geometric plaster molding, wood trim and counter displays would fit right into the Park Plaza. "It was the most up-to-date bakery in St.

Louis then," John Mayer said. Happily, Mayer changed hardly anything but the floors. Today, In malls, store owners pay a fortune and still fall short of having the look the Mayers have neatly preserved. Mayer got his first job in America at this bakery. He picked up English along with baking skills at the Koch Bakery.

But he said he learned the finer points of baking from "an Irishman who was the best German baker in St. Louis." For, three years before Mayer joined the, U.S. Army, he worked at Niccum Bakery with From page one i Eighty percent of the company's sales are bread, but it also offers three kinds of wholewheat cookies and several whole-wheat muffins. The Zehners don't sell cakes or other sweet-baked goods. 'At the counter, many customers start out by telling us how far they drive to buy it" said Cindy Zehner.

They drive to Kirkwood from places as far away as St Charles and southern Illinois, some regularly traveling more than 20 miles for their bread. When the Zehners started the business, they frequently each put in 89 hours a week. They had one employee. On Saturdays at 4 a.m. they would bring their children in sleeping bags into the bakery's tiny office.

When the kids stirred, the Zehners tuned in a portable TV to cartoons. Cindy made an eye-popping expression when she recalled the Saturday when their lone employee didn't show up. The result was near chaos, but they just cut back on a few varieties and had plenty of bread ready for the first customers. Things have eased up for the Zehners. day they have 14 employees and have dropped.