Democrat and Chronicle from Rochester, New York on September 2, 2004 · Page 21
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Democrat and Chronicle from Rochester, New York · Page 21

Rochester, New York
Issue Date:
Thursday, September 2, 2004
Page 21
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Family&Relationships 3C ROCHESTER, NEW YORK THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 2, 2004 Quick takes FOR MOMS Dream on Parenting magazine's Septem Der issue reveals some of the . things moms wish someone would get off their heinie and invent, already. Among the suggestions: A babv monitor wearable as a wristwatch, and a "mom" room in public places, fit for nursing, changing and rocking, and stocked with diap ers, wipes, pacifiers and formula. SIMPLIFY Fridge fight It doesn't take long for the refrigerator door to become a mess of artwork, schedules. photos, lunch menus and more. Fledge right now to tame the clutter with these tips from Debbie Williams, who writes the Organized Times e-zine: Limit artwork to one per artist, and rotate the Dictures daily or weekly. Store remaining work in a portfolio beside the fridee and then move it to a more permanent home (such as a treasure box or scrapbook). Use magnetic-backed acrylic frames to display your favorite snapshots, or consolidate pictures into a collage mat. Buy extra-strong magnetic clips to hold important papers grocery lists, soccer schedules, homework assignments, field-trip release forms, etc. Better yet, keep "to do" papers in a handy folder with a checkoff list clipped to the front. KID HEALTH Couch slouch Slumping for hours in front of the tube is not only crummy for your relationships why talk when you can watch Springer it's also bad for your body. Specifically, says New Scientist magazine, it can cause severe lower-back pain which may take months or even years to correct A study has shown how muscles normally engaged in supporting the lower back weaken after hours of inactivity, especially when in a fixed position. It also showed that rehabbing the muscles was a long, slow process. For more, go to: COPING Not so scary Telling your kindergartner that lots of kids feel nervous the first day of school is helpful. Reading them a book about it may be even better. Here are a few titles to search out: The Kissing Hand, by Audrey Penn (a raccoon's mom shows him a secret to make school seem cozy); Will I Have a Friend? by Miriam Cohen (a little boy's anxieties end when he finds a pal); First Day Jitters, by Julie Danneberg (a fresh twist on the dreaded first day of school); I Love You All Day Long, by Francesca Rusackas (a preschooler learns Mom's love is everywhere he goes); First Day, Hoorayl by Nancy Poydar (a look at how bus drivers, janitors, teachers and principals prepare for school.) lauri Githens Hatch compiled this column from staff and wire reports. Fax family and relationship news or events that are open to the public to her at . (585) 258-2554, e-mail or send to: FeaturesLauri Githens Hatch, Democrat and Chronicle, 55 Exchange Blvd., Rochester, NY 14614. Include your name and a daytime phone number. Good counsel: Teaching tolerance to teens PHIL YAWMAN Speeches at the political con-, ventions, comments made by a fundamentalist Islamic cleric in Iraq, discus sions about gay marriage, reflections on the Rochester race riots ofl964 such are the topics that can trigger disrespectful, even hateful reac Yawtnan tions from any of us. How do we respond when hearing an opinion that differs from what we believe the "right" opinion to be? When an adolescent observes a parent's intolerant reaction, that's a teaching moment better left untaught. Teens are prone to separating the world into "us" and "them" as a way to establish their own identity. Do we want to encourage that in i iwin awn1! imnii win Lice don't YOMI S. WRONGE KNIGHT RIDDER "You've got cooties!" Mostly that's just playground talk, but all too often parents discover the disturbing truth that their young student has head lice. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention estimates 12 million people worldwide get head lice and that preschool-and elementary-age children those ages 3 to 10 along with their families are infested most often. Girls get head lice more often than boys, women more than men.' In the United States, African-Americans rarely get head lice, but it can happen. Committed to ever-after Investing time, energy can pay off in long, happy marriage JENNY DEAM THE DENVER POST Most couples who walk down the aisle feel sure maybe even a little smug that their marriage will succeed. But will it? Can it? Most experts agree that the two most important elements to finding happily-ever-after are commitment and communication. What sounds basic is actually easier said than done. "Everyone wants a lifetime marriage but they know in the back of their minds they can get out. That changes your behavior," says Andrew Cherlin, professor of public policy at the Johns Hopkins University Sociology Department who specializes in marital studies. Scott Stanley, an adjunct pro fessor of psychology at University of Denver and co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at University of Denver, agrees. Too often people second-guess their choice of a spouse long after the cake has been cut. 'That takes a lot of energy and introduces a lot of negative emo tions," Stanley says. In previous generations such thinking wasn't even a consideration. "It was: 'I'm not making a choice, I already made that. I'm now making the best of the choice I made,' " Stanley says. Of course, sometimes it was disastrous, especially in abusive relationships. No one says all marriages can or should last. Stanley offers five tips to cou ples to help strengthen their marriages. None is groundbreaking, but they're worth keeping in mind. Take It to the bank: Ap proach marriage as you would a long-term financial investment. Marriages that thrive are those where people continue to make deposits. Sometimes after a spouse is "won," it is easy to re lax and assume the marriage will take care of itself. It won't. Think long-term: Develop with your partner a mutual sense of the future. Take the idea of forever as a given, not an option. Don't threaten it by bringing up divorce or separation umply to make a point. We're No. 1: Make your mar riage a priority. Everyone is bu sy, everyone is stressed. But too often the things that matter most are pushed to the background or taken for granted in favor of the most pressing need. Be each other's champion and advocate. Put yourself second: Sacri fice in little ways. And that means both partners. Try to oc casionally put the other person's polarizing tendency? What would be the benefit in raising a generation of intolerant young people? Tolerance is defined as freedom from bigotry or prejudice. Intolerance leads to broken friendships, violence and wars and genocide. If the next generation is to be more tolerant, we parents must instill that attitude in our children. How to do we do this? Talk about the word "tolerance." Think of it in terms of being respectful. We certainly expect to be treated with respect by others. Be willing to explore our own intolerant reactions. Why does a comment or topic create such a strong reaction? Help our children understand that agreement, support and acknowledgement are three very different ways to respond to another person's comment. care much The parasites live by biting and sucking blood from the scalp and move quickly, making them hard to catch and get rid of. They're quick little buggers that can scurry from head to head and can survive for as long as 48 hours off a human head. There's a myth that only poor people with bad hygiene get lice, but experts say that's not the case. "It's pretty straightforward that if you have a disease you go to the doctor and get treatment and no one thinks bad of you. But if you have something that people associate with creepy crawlies, then people think you're dirty," says Wanda Wong, health specialist for the Santa interests first. Do something they enjoy but that you ordinarily would not choose, such as hiking or shopping. And do it cheerfully, without keeping score. Find time to chill: Find time to talk regularly as friends. Often conversations between spouses are dominated by issues and problems. Think of your time to- Question the self-righteous beast that resides in all of us. Be wary of the attitude that because we believe we're right, we have the duty and moral obligation to set the other person straight. Be calm when intolerance is directed at our own group ethnic, racial, religious, political. Listen to the other person's perceptions and remember that listening is not the same as agreeing. To listen and be respectful is to model the behavior we hope to see in our children and in others. Be mindful of our jokes, our stories, our sarcastic remarks. If our children are listening, what do we want them to learn? Phil Yawman, M.S.W., is executive director at Threshold, a nonprofit agency that provides health, education and counseling services to adolescents and young adults. mmmmiuimmmiKmtmam -wmartwrnmimm "$V A) .f . . " W I about tax brackets Clara Unified School District in California, where kids from all socioeconomic backgrounds are susceptible to catching lice. "In reality, anywhere you have a large group of people there's a chance of getting lice," Wong says. "You could get lice from a movie theater, and I bet people don't think about that. They take their kids to the movies all the time." Though a case of head lice is not life-threatening, treating the tenacious pest can be a tedious and frustrating job for parents. Daily removal of lice and their eggs, or nits, from a child's hair with a metal nit or flea comb is a necessary measure. The nit-picking ordeal can Gannett News Service gether, even if it's just a walk around the block, as simply hanging out rather than managing life. Expressing your wants and needs and, more importantly, listening to your partner are learned skills. These skills are important in managing conflict and in building a sense of attachment. Trekkies ready for complete DVD set MIKE SNIDER USA TODAY Trekkies can finally get the ultimate Star Trek enterprise, a complete DVD set of the 1960s series' first season. Fans already have spent an estimated $2 billion worldwide on Star Trek videos. But this week marked the debut of the first full collection of the initial 29 episodes (eight discs, $100). By the end of the year, Paramount will make available on DVD the cult TV sensation's entire three-year run, with Season Two due out Nov. 2 and Season Three on Dec. 14. Thanks to a devoted fan base, the Star Trek DVD sets are expected to be top sellers. Although the series, which began in September 1966, never got good ratings during its network lifetime, the number of fans grew as the series lived on in take hours. Over-the-counter chemical treatments are the next line of attack, but health experts say there are a few strands of the parasite that seem to be im mune to the most widely used active ingredient, permethrin Prescription medicines may be needed for tough cases. Families are also advised to wash all bedding daily and bag up stuffed animals and other lovies that may be infested with the nits. To lessen the chances that your child will catch head lice, teach children not to share or borrow hats, scarves, combs brushes, barrettes and scrun chies or headphones. Dollars and sense When couples fight, it's a good bet one of the Big Three is at its root: Sex, kids, money. Divorce planners certified divorce financial analysts who work with spouses who split offer this advice for couples that could keep them from breaking up. Talk about money issues early and often. It's not the most romantic discussion couples will ever have, but being on the same page about financial goals could ease tension in a marriage. Find out who is the spender and who is the saver. Decide how the family should invest. Both parties should be educated about the family's finances. Don't let one spouse handle all the money alone. Knowing how the money is spent and where it's socked away can promote security in a marriage. "You have to stay attached through all the crud that goes on in life, says psychotherapist Gregg Gorman. "Most affairs are because people have detached" he says not because of sex. He offers these concrete suggestions to help people learn to communicate better: Speak, don't attack. Stay fo cused on the subject. Words like "You always ..." are recipes for a fight that will escalate out of proportion. Learn to listen. Typically people will only retain 10 percent of what another person is saying. One helpful tool is to paraphrase. "So what I hear you saying is ..." Paint a picture. When your partner complains about never having any fun, ask him to describe what fun looks like to him. Have him outline his perfect afternoon or evening. Take It slowly. Remember that you may have been focused on an issue for some time but your partner may be hearing it for the first time. Let her process it on her time frame. Schedule wisely. Avoid high stress times for discussions. The first hour after everyone gets home in the evening is absolutely the worst time to launch a major discussion on whether to renovate the kitchen. Try sound bites. Remember that talking and listening can come in small bursts. The notion that you must set aside an hour or two is simply unrealistic in today's busy homes. Couples also can try to stay connected through phone calls or e-mails through the day. reruns, spin-offs and 10 films. Star Trek broke TV barriers along the way. Creator Gene Roddenberry's vision of optimism, aired amid the backdrop of the Cold War, was reflected in the show's multiracial cast. "The possibility of a future for reconciliation is what Star Trek stood for," says Ron Simon, curator of television at the Museum of Television & Radio in New York. Star Trek's mission to explore strange new worlds did not translate to applying manifest destiny to the galaxy. "Part of that was expressed in how Star Trek's heroes went forth in the universe not as conquerors but as emissaries of humankind," says Michael Okuda, who served as a consultant on the spinoff series and many films. Kirk uttered what is believed to be the first swear word broadcast on TV ("Let's get the hell JODIE LYNN PARENT TO PARENT Contact her at: 2464 Taylor Road Suite 131 Wildwood, MO 63040 Make a list so cleanup is less of a chore Is there any system in getting my eight- and 12-year-old boys to pick up their rooms without constant morning or evening battles? It worked for me We ask our kids to do a quick pick-up before going on to the next part of the day. For instance, before I would make them lunch we'd pick up the puzzle we'd left finished on the floor. Same thing applies to bedtime or going to the store or park. This teaches them to finish what they start and to regularly pick up after themselves. Carol Hallenbeck in Fair- port Being a working mom and a wife, I was always looking for a system to help me get things under control at home. Each day I did a little bit to gain control over toys, clothing, mail, files, etc. I started job charts when my children were 3 and 5 years old. I wanted them to see what jobs needed to be done. They helped fold washcloths, set the table and dust. I wanted the whole family to see that we had to work as a team to complete chores. Then, we would have time to play a board game, read stories or go to the park. Big containers were necessary for the clean-up. Pictures on the outside make it easy for preschoolers to put the toys in the correct place. I purchased child-size brooms, snow shovels and rakes too. Nancy Hollander in Linn Creek, Mo. There are two keys to this problem: clear expectations and consistent follow-through. Write a list of exactly what you want done each day. For exam ple: put clothes where they belong (dirty in the hamper, clean in the drawers), put video games in their cases in the cabinet, etc. Choose a time each day when you will "inspect" the rooms to see if everything is done. Decide on the consequence for not doing the things on the list. I would suggest an all-or-nothing, one-day suspension of certain privileges, something that will be meaningful to them and easy for you to enforce. Write your list on two large pieces of paper, display one in each bedroom, and explain the new system to the boys. Lynn Collard m Duluth, Minn. rom Jodie Children can begin having their own chores early, and giving them responsibility is one of the most important things you can do for them. It also builds listening and direction-following skills and self-esteem from a job well done. Can you help? How can I keep a good rela tionship going between my 2- year-old son and his dad, who lives overseas seven months out of each year? out of here!") in the episode "The City on the Edge of For-ev-er," and he and Uhura (Nichelle Nichols) shared the first interracial kiss on broadcast television in another episode. Uhura's arrival helped pave the way f or other African-American prime-time TV characters, Simon says. The show's audience grew in syndication, which allowed Paramount to eventually create series such as Star Trek: The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine and the current Enterprise. William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy and other cast members appear on the DVD extras, as does Roddenberry, who died in 1991. The series survived for three years despite a lack of support from NBC, which kept switching its time slot. "They never believed in it even when it was working," Nimoy says on the DVD. "They didn't get it." a It i

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