The Des Moines Register from Des Moines, Iowa • Page 96

DLS MOINES SUNDAY REGISTER OCTOBER 5, 1980 8H CHALET BEST WESTERN MOTEL RESTAURANT LOUNGE 'Never volunteer to fry bacon in a nudist colony' VVManak SINGLE RATE 118.00 pk to 712-32S-3041 1ttt Ave. 0 CvmcM eMejfttf le Best small value went with this honor, a tie, both submitted by my friend in Iowa City, a highly regarded runner and editor of a University of Iowa alumni publication, a man whose initials are PKL: "If it rusts, it's not art," and, "He who seeks a higher1 level of consciousness may miss his plane." Crazy, you say? Of course. Life is unfair. And those are WORDS TO LIVE BY. Western "Under no circumstances send any pictures! Especially for second place!" Ah, well.

On, then, to the other entries. Here's one from Fairfield: "Nose broken is two places, stay out of two places." Sound advice, that, but not quite a winner. Another from Iowa City: "Don't do anything that you will feel guilty for, and don't feel guilty for anything you have done." In different circumstances, that would be a winner, and deserves to be a winner, but these aren't different circumstances. Two more Iron Iowa City, both entered by the same person, and both xhoice: "If you haven't got money, dead social worker is not an effective social worker." All are sound WORDS TO LIVE BY, though aimed at a narrow audience. What touched me most, however, was the writer's preference of a photo of Robert Hullihan, which plea wins her Third Prize, just now created.

You object to changing rules in the middle of the stream? Object away. Second prize goes to an entry that should win first prize, and would if first prize weren't going to a close friend of mine. The second-place entry, from Keokuk: "Never volunteer to fry the breakfast bacon in a nudist colony." The longer you think about that, the funnier it gets. And finally, the first-prize winner, and I only wish something of at least Buying or selling Want Ads Will work for you! The WORDS TO LIVE BY contest is now officially closed. Anyone who can't get around to writing in one week (this i column is written on Mondays, you know) Ijust can't be considered sincere.

l.l.tlli I The contest was an overwhelming you'd better have time. If you haven't got time, you'd better have money," Hear and, If you cut off your nose to spite your face, all you get is a handful of Univ. of So. Dakota COYOTE FOOTBALL funny, and that counts.) "MATZ'S RULE REGARDING MEDICATIONS A drug is a substance, which when injected into a rat, will produce a scientific report" Also disqualified (see above). "DR.

VAN SICKLE'S THEORY Basically, the function of the heart is to keep on pumping." Marginal, but still funny. "RUMPLE'S RULE No hospital staff physician is totally worthless; he can always be used as a horrible example." "LAW OF LOCAL ANESTHESIA Never say 'OOPS' in the operating room." "HARVARD'S LAW Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases." And finally: "THE XEROX LAW OF ORGANISM DUPLICITY Clones are people, two." There are others, many of them unprintable, almost all nasty, and every one funny, or almost so, but none winners. Especially considering that the writer included a note saying, on THE LARGEST SELECTION IN THE MIDWEST baadriis of clocks in stock. A PROFESSIONAL CLOCK SHOP with o.r own sorvieo dept. WE INSIST ON DELIVERY wo wa.t your clock sot up oorrtctly.

WALL AND MANTEL CLOCKS, TOO TWO STORES DICK AHLERS CLOCKS India. Hills Shoppinf Cantor, Sioui City Tho Empire Mall, Sioux Falls, South Dakota success in one respect, and a modest success in all others; that is, all the entries were neatly printed or typed. And I'm very happy to report that none were done in crayon. The number of entries was disappointing; that is, I expected thousands upon thousands, but got less than a dozen. And more than one of those can't be published in a family newspaper.

On the other hand, the WORDS TO LIVE BY entries that were received, though scant in number, were more than distinguished in quality. Surprisingly, most of them came from Iowa City, which may not be surprising. Several writers enclosed more than one entry. Indeed, two writers sent along incredibly long lists of WORDS fm 95 SIOUX CITY nose." The first requires some thought. The second is as plain as the oh, forget it Choice, yes, delightful even, but no winners.

Why, you ask? Because this is my contest and I determine the winners. Nobody ever promised you a rose garden, after all. All right, we're finally coming to a winner. Not because of the WORDS, although they're excellent in their own right, but rather because of the request for a prize. The WORDS are: "Never enter a restaurant which advertises 'Tables for "A social worker in fear of hisher physical safety should have ended the interview 10 minutes ago," and, "A OCT.

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One of the lists consisted mostly of inspirational stuff, the sort of thing you expect to hear at a Rotary or Kiwanis meeting, things like, "Conceit is the quicksand of success," and, "To rise, be on the level." I have no argument with that approach to the issue of WORDS TO LIVE BY, but prefer advice with an edge. This list contained one such, to wit, "To forget a wrong is the best revenge." The other list, this one from Des Moines, was headed, "The Laws of Medicine," and was all edge. Some examples: "COCHRANE'S APHORISM -Before ordering a test decide what you will do if it is 1) positive, or 2) negative. If both answers are the same, don't do the test." "BARACH'S RULE An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician." (Those aren't WORDS TO LIVE BY, and are therefore disqualified, but they're This home is only one of many we build. Our builders provide expert craftsmen to construct the home you desire.

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