The Sydney Morning Herald from Sydney, New South Wales, Australia • Page 24

24 Weekend Edition, September 29-30, 2001 smh.com.au Whf jsjtmqj Horning 3rralb Modem Life: "It's just great that I can fall into something which I've never done COLUMN. Edited By Kate McClymont before and make it look like I've been doing it for years. ANTHONY MUNDINE in Ralph Style Griffiths gropes for grace 'J' i i Earning the wrath of women scorned 4 That famous fondler Terry Griffiths proved recently that it wasn't just the law that was an ass. Not much has been heard of Griffiths since he was forced to resign as police minister some years back following allegations he'd been groping his female staff, although he maintained that his hugging and kissing was merely a sign of appreciation. (His staff did receive almost $200,000 in compensation.) Sauce's favourite duck-and-weave manoeuvre by Griffiths, mentioned in the inquiry into the allegations, was this one: "Ms alleges that Mr Griffiths sexually harassed her in that when she was in his office he frequently-poked himself in the groin area, which she found to be distasteful and repulsive.

Mr Griffiths ad mits to the behaviour of director, Anders Josefsson, has disappeared into the ether with $500,000 of the company's money. So there was the Groper, interjecting frequently, when finally his back-seat possie got too much for him. In between morning tea and lunch, he sacked his company's barrister. Then, fortified by a hearty lunch, he sacked the solicitor and took over the case himself. Twice he reminded the court that he was a former minister for justice, despite having no legal training.

On onceoccasion he said: "Your Honour, as a citizen and as a former minister for justice, I take great exception to qualified lawyers wasting court time and court time has been wasted today by us in not being properly prepared." Her Honour later chastised him for time wast- 4 One of the most keenly contested categories was the sports Ernie, known as The Warnie, for sexist remarks by a sportsman. Cricketer Shane Warne did not disappoint with his effort: "I am from the old school where men bring home the bacon and the women look after the home." Then there was Pat Cash's brilliant performance in saying that women tennis players were too fat, and Hamish McLaughlin, who said: "Most polo players think that horses are more valuable than wives." However, they were completely outclassed by sports reporter Cameron Williams, who-received the statuette of a mounted gold mobile phone for: "He needed to see her breasts to get pumped up for the show." The political Ernies also had a strong field, with some tried and true performers, such as John Howard for saying there was "no appropriate woman suitable to be Other contestants in this field were Alexander Downer, who said Labor MP Julia Irwin was "flattering herself if she thought his sexual gestures were directed at her. But the joint winner, with the Prime Minister, was Victorian National Party MP Ron Best for his comment to Industrial Relations Minister Monica The annual battle for those gleaming statuettes of pigs on plinths, The Ernies, was as hotly contested as ever by a wide-ranging field of male chauvinist porkers. Named after the late crusty old union boss and renowned sexist Ernie Ecob, the Ernie awards were held on Thursday night at the Parliament House dining room, where snouts in troughs are a regular feature. The women-only guest list included feminist Anne Summers, columnist Emma Tom (a past winner), former Waverley mayor Barbara Armitage, Juvenile Justice Minister Carmel Tebbutt, barrister Chrissa Loukas and Pattie Amphlett (aka Little Pat tie).

There was some initial concern for the stand-up comedian hosting the night's event, Dr Meredith Burgperson, whose day job is president of the Upper House. Sporting what looked like a white neck brace, she assured the audience that it was in fact a clerical collar and part of the evening's dress code: "Damned Whores and God's The Gold Ernie went to an outsider, -Chris Bonnor from the Secondary Principals' Council, for saying the leminisation of the teaching profession indicates to boys that they don't have to take education God's police clockwise from top left, Burgmann, Nunn, Little Pattie, Summers. woman's wardrobe, "sleeveless was a bad look, especially for anyone over This prompted some risque behaviour on the part of the presenter of the polished pig for this category, actress Judy Nunn, whose alter ego, Ailsa, had the misfortune to die recently in Home and Away. Nunn received a rousing applause for shedding her blouse and, while striking a Charles Atlas pose in her bla ck bra, she pointed to her now sleeveless get-up, saying: "I'm 56 and I think the man's a dickhead." Gould that "her breasts were so small her front was indistinguishable from her Nominees in the media section included a very strong contingent from the Herald in the shape of Paddy McGuiness (twice), Imre Salusinszky, whom tne judges felt was trying too hard, and Spike for running a gratuitous photo of women in bras. The neid was streaked by image consultant Mark Patrick for his comment that while a simple sleeveless shift dress is a must for any ing himself.

But Sauce's favourite moment arrived when the opposing barrister, Jeff Phillips, objected to Griffith's line of questioning. "Shit!" snapped The Groper. Munchkin Schmidt was forced to ask Griffiths to restrain himself. Then there was Griffiths's last hurrah at the close of the day's proceed adjusting himself, but says a painful condition in his right testicle is one of the reasons for his need to rearrange his testicles." Anyway, the Menai Mauler was ill court recently but, much to Sauce's disappointment, he refrained from calling Justice Monika Schmidt "princess" or After topping up at a country petrol station last weekend, John Wright, of Marrickville, approached the cashier with $50, saying: "G'day. 1 owe you $33, plus this newspaper, please." The cashier, looking intently at his computer screen, frowned: "I've got nothin' on my screen." Mr Wright pointed at the pump beside his car and said: "Bowser number six.

See? There it says $33." The cashier put his faith in his screen. "Nope! There's nothin' there. I can only charge you what it says nothin'." Glancing at the newspaper, he demanded: "Dollar forty." Victor Grasty, of Hurstville Grove, is not surprised at the Ansett Mark II moniker. "The only people running Ansett these days appear to be the two administrators, Mark Methna and Mark Korda. Two Marks Mark II.

Ba-boom." Karen Gulson, of Brisbane, was pleased to see that Ansett's Kendell Airlines had resumed operations out of Wagga on Wednesday. "A last-minute buyer? Alas, no," she says. "Just some presumably old footage seen through the square window on Playschool" Several readers suggest that our Bronte reader, kept awake by a noisy koel (Column 8, yesterday), should buy a high-powered water pistol. Others, assuming the noise is about establishing territory, suggest recording the koel's call then playing it back loudly. Michelle van Wezel, of Woolloomooloo, has a solution that will "kill two birds with one stone (metaphorically She suggests hanging unwanted CDs and CD-ROMs from the tree branches on fishing line.

Birds hate the constant flashing and move out, she says. It's worked wonders in her mother's garden. European airlines have become "super strict" about security, says Catherine Mojsiewicz, an Australian in London. She has just received from the cheap-deals airline Go a list of items that passengers are no longer allowed to take into the cabin. Household cutlery and catapults are banned, as are nail files and billiard, snooker or pool cues.

It's increasingly difficult to separate Christmas-in-July from Christmas. A Wahroonga reader says she heard The First Noel played in Grace Bros' city store on Monday. Only 87 shopping days to go For about a week, a sizable stack of Adelaide White Pages has sat forlornly on the corner of Darling Street and Victoria Road, reports Louise White, of Rozelle. She wonders why they are so far from home. Joan Levi (formerly Miss Pinwill) retired yesterday from Tara Anglican School for Giiis after almost 20 years.

She taught English continuously in Sydney schools for 45 years, 3 7 of them as teacher in charge of English. Is this a record? Mrs Levi is a third-generation teacher. Her father, Norman Pinwill, taught at Scots College for 40 years, and her grandfather, Percy Rowland, was headmaster and English teacher at Townsville Grammar School from 1905 to 1938. column8smh.com.au (no attachments, please). Phone 9282 2207 Fax 9282 2772.

(Include name, suburb, daytime phone) Unfairly judged Done deal Terry Griffiths Keeping up a peerage Bother and damnation! Lord Andrew Battenberg, a long-time resident of that fine British colonial outpost, the Union Club, in Bent Street, has been forced to pack his trunk and retire to his country estate in Sutton Forest with his mother. As you may recall, Sauce recently reported that Battie, a former bankrupt, was pressing a legal suit Why have people got it in for poor old Vince Bruce? First, there were those mean old things in wigs who wanted him to work, work, work on all those judgments. And then they didn't believe him when he said he was depressed. Nor did they believe him when he said he was cured. All their beastly comments about his tardiness finally forced His Honour to hand in ings, when the question of costs arose.

If you want a guarantee of the ability of IP World (the new name for Australian Authorised Investments), he said, "there is none even that could be in liquidation in seven Then he added: "I would ask that be kept in confidence, too, and I would ask the judge to put a cap on have to watch insider trading on that. It could be if we don't go ahead with the deal we may be in liquidation." The judge, completely bemused, pointed out that it was an open court. PS: Whatever "the deal" may or or may not have been, ASIC records show that by the end of the following week, Griffiths and the com-. pany had parted ways. terms of endearment he favoured in the old days.

The former justice and police minister was spotted sitting up the back of the Industrial Relations Commission, adding his two cents' wui at every available opportunity. The case involved a wrongful dismissal action brought by Glenn Chnstensen, a former underling ot a telco subsidiary whose parent company, Australian Authorised Investments, was chaired by Griffiths. AAI has not had an enormous success rate with execs to date. In 1 998 one director, Danny Wirken, resigned after he was whisked away by the FBI over securities and wire fraud. The court heard that another III; Norma! National Normal National Party leader (Based on average of 'past leaders, and Federal) Ik claiming a brutish sexual attack upon his personage by another member of the upper crust establishment whom he had invited to his rooms.

Sauce understands this unwelcome publicity was the last straw for the men-only club, whose other exalted members include News Ltd's Lachlan Murdoch, Australians for Constitutional Monarchy's Professor David Flint, investment banker Mark Burrows, his wig two years ago. Despite his 13 months spent polishing the Copper 7 IUD judgment to perfection, his boss at the Supreme Court, James Wood, still wasn't happy. That was the last straw when Bruce resigned, he claimed he could no longer cope with the campaign of "orchestrated public attacks" against him. Now, these people are back in action, claiming Bruce had Nothing doing Bruce a-hunting at the Union Club without a fight. Battenberg popped up in the Equal Opportunities Tnbunai this week, claiming that the Union Club had discriminated aeainst him Battie, whose visage strikes Sauce as that ol an anxious rabbit, was most-upset at the presence of Sauce's operative, Lee Glendinning.

His lawyer said his client was not comfortable with the presence of a member of the press and successfully sought an adjournment to determine whether the case could be open to the public when it resumes on Thursday. Meanwhile, the general secretary of the Union club would not discuss the issue, saying it was a private club. He did confirm that Battenberg had moved on. saucemail.fairfax.com.au Phone: 9282 2388 Fax 9282 2296 aristocracy, fails to include either of Lord Andrew's titles During the '90s, when our Andrew had his previous peerage the Craigstown one the former owner of the title, Lord Kilbracken, embarrassingly told The Sun-Herald that he had sold his title to an Australian, Andrew Lee. To add insult to ignominy, Lord Kilbracken went on to say he thought it was extraordinary that someone intelligent would fork out money for "something so Before the whirlwind of titles, Lord Andrew was the peerless Andrew Charles Lee, a liquidator who was himself liquidated in 1997, owing substantial sums to the National Australia Bank.

Not that Lord Battenberg is giving up those comfy leather armchairs or those gilt-framed scenes of dogs aive or take a c6ii6ie of roast dinners I '78 cm mlmsSt overlooked his mortgage repayments and that the bank had been rapping on the brass handle of his fine Bradleys Head residence in Mosman. But Bruce chirpiiy assured us hi tinances were "completely under And, as to why people would say such things "Who would ever know what anyone would say in this world. They say all sorts of things that aren't true." The Bar Association said the QC and ex-Supreme Court judge had an "inactive practising Indeed, he breezily admitted he's doing "nothing" these days. Much less taxing than dispensing justice. radio broadcaster Alan Jones, lawyer and Olympics-bid guru Rod McGeoch and former Commonwealth Bank chairman Tim Besley.

Apparently, the club sent our lordship a missive saying his presence was no longer required and that he could collect his goods and chattels from the storeroom. Lord Battenberg, 39, who privately claims to be the illegitimate love child of Prince Philip, was formerly known as Lord Andrew of Craigstown. But, wait, this must be a mistake surely the latest addition of Burke's Peerage and Baronetage, the famous guide to the British mm Ssica WJICU llltauilcJWL. HIIIC lie LIICU iU IIIIU UUU' ms (uaa leit mm tnree wtien ne passed on) aiaisassM mi ine wire I 4 000km D.jMTT v. 1 1.

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