The Age from Melbourne, Victoria, Australia • Page 100

4 Tempo TV IP A lust to top them a glky loimir iLve-ii By HELEN ELLIOTT wasn't a bad looking man. tr irii Tall, and slim witn brown, curly hair, Howard would nave made quite a good im- Brltiiia Ainilt -U-L her to see if she knew how sensational she looked, but her face was a reyrtsry. I could make out the graceful curve of her cheek, and see her mouth, bat her eyes were shadowed. To me, she was the quintessential female In that hat alluring, mysterious and perfectly self-contained. Sfte must have known the impact she had epos everyone who saw her wearing it, but what was so Incredibly charmias was that she seemed oblivious to it She remained cool and reserved at the centre of her own mysterious beauty.

How comforting it must have been to be so shaded from the world! In these exhausting days of being "up front" in every possible way, I have vtry keen regrets about not being able to wear such a hat A slight tilt of the head aad you were safe In your shadows. Apart from unleashing Mick Jaggert lips and other assorted unpleasantrtes upon the world, the 1960s have much to answer for; Those were the years of letting "It" (whatever "If! was) "an hang Little wonder that in such extreme and superficial conditions, the delicate and subtle qualities of hats were forgotten. Reserve was a thing of the past This became the decade of moribund millinery. Remember the I know it would be far nicer to forget it but fascinators were so exquisitely, memorable In their sw-fulness. Anyone who has ever seen aa aqua "fascinator" will find it etched on their brain.

And whoever named them? Without doubt someone with a remarkably accurate sense of irony. The other favorite of the 1960s was something that was exactly the shape of the glass dish we used to use for the' lettuce and egg salad (with naise) on Sunday nights. Paint it fawn, preferably, cover with a few puffs of spotty net and wear it to the next wedding. I'm quite certain that an entire battalion of thrifty women did so at the time. 'vv: -v No wonder hats went into hiding for the next two decades.

Fascinators and salad bowls drove the genuine hat lover to despair. To wear a seriously divine hat in those tacky years would have been seen as mere pretension. So, please, cries of joy and relief all round that hats, at last are being taken seriously again. Real hats, too, inspiring creations that cause one to fall into a swoon at their possibilities. No woman who has anticipated the gor-geousness of lifting one up and settling it on her head, of turning it this way, or that of watching it re-create the face beneath, would deny the power and influence of a hat I just wish my mother had kept all of hers.

I could wear them today and nobody would shriek with laughter, or accuse me of playing that deceitful game of dressups would they? ment in which college students were paired up with strangers of the opposite sex and told to "get He found that the more lonely students were more judgmental and less attracted to the people they were paired up with and less likely to want to spend more time with them. By being constantly critical and choosy, these isolated young people ensured they would never find anyone good enough to risk seeking intimacy. It made working with Howard very heavy going. We'd spend hours helping him learn to overcome those butterflies that hovered in his stomach at the mere thought of talking to a girt We used behavior-therapy techniques, role-playing situations he found hard to handle, trying out different approaches, different lines. Sometimes we would switch roles and he would play the part of the girl so he'd learn what it felt like to be approached.

He learnt to handle the rejection he so feared. To find a way of exiting gracefully, his pride intact when she made it clear she simply wasn't interested. He confronted his fears, he was proud of his new social skills that he practised by talking to women at the bus-stop and in the cafeteria at work. But when it came to finding someone he was attracted to then nobody was good enough. The blonde he'd noticed in the gym? He'd heard her talking to another woman and he hated the nasal tone in her voice.

The woman who worked in the office next-door? He'd discovered she was divorced and had a child and besides, she was in her 30s. Finally I persuaded him to treat it as a practice session and just make the moves and see what happened. And in the end it worked. He started going out first with one woman, and then another. When I last saw him he had settled down.

No, she wasn't a dizzy blonde. She was older than him and, judging from the photographs he proudly brought in, she was certainly no beauty. But he had discovered that it wasn't the way she looked that mattered, but the way she looked at him. She hung on his every word, made him feel terrific. And the result was he'd stopped thinking about himself, and started wanting to find out about her.

There are now programs to help love-shy men, loneliness clinics, psychologists running groups bringing together men and women to practise social skills. It works sometimes. A love-shy man can be taught to escape from his prisons of fantasy and self-absorption by arming him with the skills to deal with real live girls. Only then will he look her in the eyes and like what he finds. the effects was far stronger for the males.

The 28-yearold men who had not dated in high school were found by Jencks to be the least successful, least happy, least well-adjusted individuals in the group he studied. So, what is it about these men that makes it so hard for them to relate to women. Gilmartin's research compares 200 love-shy 19 to 24-year-old males with 200 non-shy men of the same age, asking them detailed questions about their backgrounds, personalities, relationships. He also managed to track down and interview 100 older love-shy men, between the ages 35 to 50. All were virginal, single, never-married.

The picture which emerges is of a loner. The difficulty the love-shy male has in establishing relationships with women also extends to other intimate relationships in his life. Gilmartin's interviews reveal most of these males started their lives as shy, inhibited children, growing up with few close friends, and often failing to receive the parental support they needed to develop self-confidence in social situations. As Infants, some established close friendships with females of their own age but these tended to be discouraged by parents keen for the boy to fit in with his male peers. That's not so easy many of these love-shy males were bullied by other boys, most were uncomfortable about traditional male "rough and tumble" games.

Their consistent failure to fit in with the crowd tended to increase their anxious self-preoccupation and negative self-evaluation, crippling all their attempts to relate to the opposite sex. So they sit home and dream, creating in their minds fantasies of the perfect woman. The research reveals that many of these love-shy men develop totally unrealistic ideas about the type of woman they are attracted to, creating in the process the perfect excuse for avoiding possible rejection by more available women. A full 98 per cent of Gilmartin's older group his lonely, isolated, male virgins told him they would rather not date someone "whose face was insufficiently attractive to please my aesthetic and romantic It is amazing, isn't it? One therapist working with shy men commented that it is like the hungry man on a desert island who, after two weeks of starvation, manages to catch a fish then cuts his line in disgust because the fish isn't good enough. "Romantic perfectionism" is a stumbling block which thwarts the attempts of many to help shy people.

Dr Warren Jones, a psychologist at the University of Tulsa, finds many shy and lonely people have unrealistically high standards about what they expect in a partner. He conducted an expert- IHERE ARE certain films that I have caused me to sit In dark-il ened cinemas, my teeth ach-JJL ing with lust No, no, no. gracious me, certainly not for the chaps (although once Gary Grant or was it Terence Stamp? caused me to think along some very peculiar lines but this is beside the point). No. I was lusting after the women's hats.

What intelligently vain woman would not lust after Garbo's hats In 'Anna Kar-enina', or forget Greer Garson's lovely face framed in those exquisite hats in Mrs Miniver'? Doesn't she run back through the frenzied London rush-hour streets simply to buy a chapeau she has denied herself? By that impulsive action at the opening of the film, Greer Garson proved a point about which I've always felt quite strongly that one's, millinery, and perhaps one's carpete, are the only things In life that one should take at all seriously. The point is reaffirmed by those tulle veils that make Vivien Leigh even more enchanting in the films of the 1940s. And think for a moment about Giulietta Masina's hats in 'Juliette of the Spirits. Weill It's simply unjust that one woman has them all. I reserve pure envy for her, and perhaps even a dab of spite One of life's little jests with me was to have me born a decade too late to be able to wear hats every day, as a matter of course.

Before the dread 1960s a woman would not be considered properly dressed unless she was wearing some marvel of millinery. Blessed were those days. Imagine what it was like. A Day of Hats. Oh! The excruciating bliss of it all.

A hat for the morning sun, wide straw, I should think, scattered with a few pink roses. Then another at luncheon glossy black straw with a neat brim and two, or possibly, three, tiny velvet bows and a veil of spotted tulle. Infinitely dainty. Then velvet and sequins, and perhaps more tulle for the cocktail hour Isn't it endlessly delicious? Doesn't it cause your teeth to ache? Of course such hats must always be worn in conjunction with a few decorative men (tall, dark and handsome being the only imperatives). As similar to Cary Grant as possible, although Terence Stamp-types will do equally as well.

Whether he blow-waves his brains or not is irrelevant Strictly speaking, one simply wears a hat to be seen, to be admired, and something talldarkand-handsome worn by your side adds a great deal of tone to one's hat I'd always recommend it Because of the jest of my birth year, I pfession if it wasn't for his lumpy brown cardigan and too-short trousers let alone the sandals he wore in summer, complete with skimpy, white socks. But still, he could get away with all of that But, as far as ladies were concerned, the real problem was he was immobilised totally petrified. I was his therapist, but I was still young and female and hence talking to oae aroused all his worst fears. At first he'd sit through the entire session with eyes downcast, not daring to look at me as he described his total inability to relate to women, particularly women who attracted him. iHis social life was a series of painful humiliations, dating back to the time tile guys pushed him into the centre of the empty dance floor where he stood brushing in front of the row of girls sitting expectant, like a hanging jury.

'Whenever a woman talked to him he'd stutter and sweat, trying to talk, but no words came out He would be like a fish gulping for air, and then beat a-rapid retreat iHe talked of his yearning for a mate. It wasn't just any woman he was looking for, but a dream woman. She had to be pretty and blonde, with long hair, perfect figure. And young at least 10 years younger than Howard who was then in his late 30s. bad spent his entire adult life lust-idg after this fantasy figure.

Often when he met a woman she wouldn't come up to scratch and so he wouldn't bother to put himself through the agony of trying to get to know her. And the pretty blondes? Well, deep down he knew they'd never give him the time of jday, but still he just kept hoping. The Howards of the world have always intrigued me. I have met plenty of them. They often seek out sex therapists for help in their never-ending search for someone to love.

I have piles of their letters written from hoarding houses in big cities, or sent care of post offices in mining towns, or rural communities. For them, sex therapy is putting the iart before the horse. Most are still virgins, men in their 30s, 40s and over, yho have hardly ever touched a woman, let alone made love to one. A book has recently been published describing the lives of these love-lonely men. 'Shyness and Love (University Press of America, 1987) by sociologist Brian Gilmartin examines the lives of jnen he calls "love-shy" men men 'Whose social anxiety relates specifically to male-female relationships.

Although there are also women who Jure shy about relationships with men, Gilmartin makes the case that this She looked stunning, and being vain even then, I vicariously soaked up the admiring glances she received. problem has far more impact on males than females. Some degree of shyness is regarded as feminine, or in women and is unlikely to be socially disadvantageous. Gilmartin claims shy women are just as likely as non-shy women to date, get married, have children. For the love-shy man, it is a different story.

Gilmartin believes that in males of all ages, from kindergarten through to adulthood, shyness is viewed as deviant and undesirable. "The biggest and most consequential difference in the way shyness impacts upon the two genders has to do with the strong social requirement prescribing that males must assume the assertive role in all manner of social When it comes to courtship, men are the wooers, they are the ones who are expected to initiate conversations, to do the asking and risk rejection. It is a painful process. A 1983 study of university students by sociologists David Knox and Kenneth Wilson found 20 per cent of the male students surveyed complained of painful feelings of shyness vis-a-vis the opposite sex in informal social situations. Less than five per cent of the women students had a similar complaint Courtship carries emotional hazards for even the most resilient of males and even once a relationship is established, chances are high that the male will end up being rejected.

A 1976 study by sociologists Charles Hill, Letitia Peplau and Zick Rubin found most of the terminated "steady dating" relationships had been terminated by the girl, not the boy. For the shy male, it's a jungle out there and his failure to hoe in, machete flying, will have consequences not just on his love life. Harvard University sociologist Christopher Jencks studied the dating patterns of a group of high school students and followed them up 10 years later. He found the non-daters were less well-adjusted and showed less financial and career success than the daters, but can only imagine a Day of Hats, although I do have a plaited summer straw which is decorative as well as useful, and a winter number which is very reminiscent of one of Garbo's in 'Anna KareninaV Very fetching. At least I think it is, despite my daughter's artless comment that it reminded her of our neighbor's finest most handsome, black chook.

"Would I wear a dead chook on my dead?" I asked. We needn't go into her reply. I can't remember a time when I've not been besotted with hats, not merely with their intrinsic loveliness, but with what they did for the wearer. I remember walking once in the summer with my mother, who was wearing a very wide, black, flat-brimmed straw hat with a dashing pearl pin. She looked stunning, and being vain even then, I vicariously soaked up the admiring glances she received.

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