The Courier-Journal from Louisville, Kentucky • Page 23

rtntt? TELEVISION AND VIDEO NEWS AND REVIEWS These are guaranteed to be the worst of a bad lot New releases By VINCE STATEN Video Entertainment Writer It's easy to find a list of the best tapes of 1987. All the video magazines have stories with their picks for top tapes. But what about the worst tapes, the ones that were so bad they fell im STATEN And you thought last week was a slow week at the video store. There are even fewer new releases this week: "Captive Hearts" (CBSFox, $79.98) is a World War II drama about a POW in a Japanese village who falls in love with a local girl. Pat Morita wrote and stars along with Chris Makepeace and Michael Sarrazin.

Release: Thursday. "Enemy Territory" (CBSFox, $79.98) is about two men who find themselves in a New York City housing project after dark. The resident gang sets out to terrorize them. Ray Parker Jr. and Gary Frank star.

Release: Thursday. "Three of a Kind" (CBS Fox, $29.98) If you like the Fox network's "Tracey Ullman Show," you may want to check this out. It's a compilation of comic scenes from Ullman's hit British TV series. Release: Thursday. "Best of the Two Ronnies" (CBSFox, $29.98) is a compilation of spoofs from the British comedy "The Two Ronnies," which shows up occasionally on PBS.

The two are Ronnie Barker and Ronnie Corbett. Release: Thursday. "Victoria Wood As Seen on TV" (CBSFox, $29.98) is another compilation from British television. British comedian Wood is joined by Julie Waters in a series of comic bits. Release: Thursday.

"The Last Song" (Playhouse, $59.98) is a 1980 made-for-TV thriller with Ronny Cox and Lynda Carter. Release: Thursday. "The Great American Traffic Jam" (Playhouse, $59.98) is a less-than-hilarious made-for-TV comedy about traffic. Release: Thursday. "Combat!" (Goodtimes, $19.95) is the early '60s TV series with Vic Morrow.

Six episodes with big-name guest stars (Lee Marvin, Charles Bronson, Eddie Albert, James Coburn) hit home video When NBC ordered an additional five episodes, a network executive was quick to point out, "We're just using it to fill space until the season's over." WORST PERFORMANCE BY A WASHED-UP STAR And the nominees are "Fire and Ice" (Nelson, $79.95) with Suzy "Chapstick" Chaffee. "Kids in Motion" (Playhouse, $19.98) with Scott Baio. "Nightforce" (Lightning, $79.98) with Linda Blair. "White Phantom" (Vidmark, a Ninja flick, with Bo Svenson. "Cyclone" (RCAColumbia, $79.95) with Heather Thomas and Troy Donahue.

"Ghost Fever" (Charter, $79.95) with Sherman Hemsley. And the winner is "Ghost Fever" with Sherman Hemsley! "The Jeffersons" have been off the air only two years, and despite his hit "Amen" show, Hemsley is reduced to playing the clown in low-budget movies. DULLEST '90s HERO And the nominee is "It's Howdy Doody Time: A 40-Year Celebration" (Fries, And the winner is "It's Howdy Doody Time: A 40-Year This special is so dull that the highlight is when Buffalo Bob discovers 40ish Jerry Mathers in the Peanut Gallery and Jerry says, "Hi, Buffalo Bob." WORST COLORIZED MOVIE And the nominees are "Captain Blood" (CBSFox, $59.98) with Errol Flynn. "Something to Sing About" (Hal Roach, $19.95) with James Cagney. "Topper Returns" (Hal Roach, $29.95) with Roland Young and Joan Blondell.

"Suddenly" (Hal Roach, $19.95) with Frank Sinatra. "The Maltese Falcon" (CBSFox, $59.98) with Humphrey Bogart. And the winner is The technician who added computer color made 01' Blue Eyes' peepers brown. WORST NAME FOR A VIDEO COMPANY And the nominees are KnoWhutlMean Video, producer of all the Ernest P. Worrell tapes.

Let's Party Video, producer of the "Great American Centerfold Search." Chop 'Em Ups Video, producer of "Crazy Fat Ethel II." Virgin Video, distributor of "Hollywood Shuffle." Feature Creatures, distributor of "Camera" and "Gamera vs. Barugon." And the winner is Chop 'Em Ups Video! Please, leave something to the imagination. WORST EARLY PERFORMANCE OF A NOW-FAMOUS STAR And the nominees are "Scorchy" with 38-year-old Connie Stevens nude. "Mary, Mary, Bloody Mary" (Continental, $59.95) with Cristina Ferrare nude. "Restless" (Vidmark, $79.95) with Rac-quel Welsh In an alluring swimsuit pose on the box.

The photo has nothing to do with the movie. And the winner is "Mary, Mary, Bloody Ferrare, the one-time Mrs. John Delorean, is topless before the opening credits in this 1975 Mexican vampire-lesbian movie. WORST KIDS MOVIE And the nominees are "Masters of the Universe" (Warner, "Chimples First Day at School" (Morris, And the winner is "Chimples First Day at Nobody wants to watch apes play the parts of little kids. WORST TITLE And the nominees are "Chopping Mall" "Nice Girls Don't Explode" (New World, "Dracula Sucks" (Unicorn, "Vasectomy" (Worldvision, And the winner is.

Who in his right mind would want to watch a movie with this title? WORST TAPE OF 1987 And the winner is "Shanghai Surprise" (Vestron, starring both Madonna and Sean Penn. This epic pairing she played a missionary, he an adventurer who agreed to fetch her some cocaine, for medicinal purposes makes "Who's That Girl?" seem like great art. This tape was the opposite of Will Rogers. I never met a person who saw it who didn't hate it. It made its debut on the Video Insider magazine rental chart at No.

30, the bottom slot, and quickly plunged to oblivion, never again making the slightest dent in the charts. mediately through the cracks into video hell, never to be seen again? That's what we're here for. And here they are WORST SEQUEL And the nominees are "Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2" (Media. "King Kong Lives" (Lorimar, "Hardbodies 2" (RCAColumbia, "House II: The Second Story" (New World, And the winner is "King Kong King didn't really die after that fall from the World Trade Center 10 years ago. He was kept alive by a female doctor who wanted to implant an artificial heart the size of a Buick in his XXXXXXXXXXXL chest.

But before she could Jarvik him, he met Lady Kong, fell in love and eloped. The Army caught up with them and recaptured her. This made King mad, so mad that he snapped an alligator in two and bit the heads off a couple of drunk rednecks who were taunting him. God knows how drunk you would have to be to taunt a 50-foot ape. WORST TEENS-SAVE-THE-WORLD MOVIE And the nominees are Too numerous to list.

And the winner is "Playing for (MCA, $79.95) Teenagers outwit small town hicks, bigots and crooks! Again! Guaranteed: no adults worth knowing in this film. THE WORST PATRIOTIC PICKUP LINE And the nominee is "No Dead Heroes" (Sony, It's the only tape with a patriotic pickup scene. And the winner is "No Dead When the Ninja girl tells Good Guy Joe she defected because America means freedom to her, he responds, "I used to think America ought to mind its own business. I was wrong. We are a watchdog.

We go to sleep, and the Communists will steal this world as surely as thieves in the night." That's right: He immediately beds her. WORST "BLOOD" MOVIE And the nominees are "Blood Debt" (Continental, "Blood Diner" (Vestron, "Blood Hook" (Prism, "Blood Link" (Embassy, "Blood Rage" (Prism, And the winner is All of the above! WORST TV PILOT RELEASED AS A MOVIE And the nominee is "Codename: Foxfire" (MCA, And the winner is "Codename This short-run series from the winter of 1985 featured Joanna Cassidy as a former spy hired by the president's brother for a security mission. It included such inane dialogue as: "I've run too long in the gutter. I don't know if I can walk on the sidewalk." Top video rentals Here are the top videocassettes In rentals for the week ending today, as reported by Billboard. 1.

"Lethal Weapon" 2. "Outrageous Fortune" 3. "Harry and the Hendersons" 4. "Tin Men" 5. "Extreme Prejudice" 6.

"Project 7. "Superman IV: The Quest for Peace" 8. "Star Trek IV The Voyage Home" 9. "Ishtar" 10. "Gardens of Stone" Top TV shows These are the top television programs lor last week, which ended Deo.

20. as rated by the A C. Nielsen Co. The ratings measure the percentage ot all TV homes tuned to a show. 1.

"The Cosby Show," NBC 2. "A Different World," NBC 3. "Cheers," NBC 4. "Night Court," NBC 3. "Golden Girls," NBC 6.

"NFL Monday Night Football," ABC 7. "ALF," NBC 8. "60 Minutes," CBS 9. "L.A. Law," NBC 10.

"Christmas Comes to Willow Creek," CBS V. 1 S- 'i 4 Tracey Ullman comes to home video. Page 22 The Courier-Journal SCENE Dec. 26, 1987.