The Cincinnati Enquirer from Cincinnati, Ohio on September 15, 1991 · Page 57
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September 15, 1991

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The Cincinnati Enquirer from Cincinnati, Ohio · Page 57

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Cincinnati, Ohio
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Sunday, September 15, 1991
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Page 57
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Sunday, September 15, 1991 THE CINCINNATI ENQUIRER ParentingE-9 iome visits invite trouble nnn O BY LAWRENCE M. KUTNER The New York Times How to help a child cope nnrl n t nnn n "srnnrrr vn7i cr i Tnn vf 11 r' n When their cousin needed some You want to lose weight the best way possible without sacrificing your of testing the predictability of their new environment. If your children set the dinner table, wash the dishes or take out the garbage, ask the visiting child to pitch in. This will also help minimize your children's jealousy of the special status accorded the visiting child. Learn about the visiting child's routines at home. That helps avoid conflicting expectations if, for example, your children are used to coming home directly from school and the visiting child is used to spending some time at the playground first. "Find out ahead of time from the visiting child's parents what things help calm her down when she's upset," said Dr. Josephine P. Beebe, the president of the division of family psychology of the American Psychological Association. Talk to your own children about how they think the visit is going. Find out if they are feeling overwhelmed by the changes. Schedule some activities with them that do not involve the visiting child, so they can see that their relationship with you has not changed. THE NEW YORK TIMES Having a child visit takes a lot of preparation. Psychologists offer this guidance to parents whose children must stay with another family temporarily: Let your children know that it is only temporary. Children sometimes fear that they are being abandoned. They may worry that they have done something wrong or that they are simply not good enough. Explain to your children how long they will be staying with the other family. Explain the reasons for the stay and emphasize that It is not because of anything they have done. Visit or call your children regularly. Give each child a picture of the two or three of you together to bring to her temporary home. This will help the child overcome hi fears of abandonment "Remember that in times of crisis children have smaller emotional reserves to draw upon than adults," said Dr. Carl Mumpower, a clinical psychologist in Asheville, N.C. Parents who are temporarily caring for other children should keep these things in mind: Don't feel you have to justify your family's rules to the new child. You can expect most children to challenge new rules as a way health. And you want to be able to enjoy all your favorite foods. That's why Weight Watchers created the ultimate program that answers all your needs, including learning how to keep that weight off. n n o i mm mm grmaktr time to recover from an automobile accident this summer, Susan and Dave Rozakis offered to care for her 9-year-old daughter. Their own 6-year-old daughter seemed excited about the visit. "I expected my niece to have some problems fitting in, and my daughter to be fine," said Rozakis, a civil engineer in San Carlos, Calif., a suburb of San Francisco. Parent and child "Instead, the opposite happened," she recalled. "Sibling rivalry hit like a bolt out of the blue. She wanted to be with her cousin, but she also felt that her position in the family as the only daughter was being usurped." Parents who try to care for other people's children find it takes more than a warm heart and welcoming arms to make the temporary arrangement work. The degree of animosity some children feel when another child, even their closest friend or favorite relative, stays at their home for more than a few days can quickly upset the emotional balance of a family at a time when they need that balance more than ever. Be realistic "Parents often aren't realistic in their expectations of harmony," said Dr. Carl Mumpower, a clinical psychologist in Asheville, N.C., who has worked with families in this situation. "That leaves them disappointed, which in turn may lead to additional conflict." The child who must temporarily share his home often feels jealous and wonders if he is being replaced. He may look for ways of getting the visiting child into trouble or may complain about minor things the visitor is doing. It is his way of protecting his position in the family. "It's especially difficult for children who don't have siblings," said Dr. Josephine P. Beebe, the president of the division of family psychology of the American Psychological Association. "All of a sudden they have to share a lot more." Visiting children can also be upset by staying with a new family, especially if they are there because their own parents cannot care for parental authority you have," said Dr. James H. Bray, an associate professor of family medicine at Baylor College of Medicine. "Ideal ly, the biological parents should make it clear to their children that them. Suddenly the household rules are different. They may not be sure what is expected of them or which of their normal habits and expectations will be rebuffed. "The visiting child's initial excitement is often followed by panic or depression," Mumpower said. "How many changes will she have to make?" These children will often respond by testing limits to see how much the rules have changed and how easily they can be bent. They are looking for the reassurance of structure and stability in their lives. Psychologists advise parents against indulging the visiting child. Discipline is often a major concern during these visits. Parents feel much less comfortable disciplining someone else's child than their own. "The big issue is what kind of Weight Watchers Personal Choice Program makes it easier than ever to lose weight the safe, sensible way without powdered drinks or starvation diets. With Personal Choice, you get your choice of three plans from structured to nice and easy. Simply pick the one that best fits your lifestyle. Then, keep right on enjoying all your favorite foods while you lose weight and learn to keep it off. they have to obey the adults they're staying with." Caving in to a visiting child's demands is the opposite of what the child needs, especially if she is visiting because her own parents are going through a crisis. "It gives the child the idea that even you can't handle the reasons behind the child's visit," said Dr. Darwin Dorr, the director of clinical psychology at Highland Hospital in Asheville, N.C, and a consulting professor of medical psychology at Duke University. He tells parents that they can make a visitor more comfortable by calmly stating the family's rules and expectations as soon as the child arrives, if not before. 137 PRICES GOOD is if! ., SUNDAY SATURDAY, Ji (sMIsO h .K ...Jl...,. V. . asn f SEPTEMBER IS 21 w .at - m i ftck-up your copy of Fall Directions, 1991 in uy stores now WAVERLY CHINTZED PRBNTS 100 COTTON, POLY-COTTONS 60" SOUS GQRBURQV 100 COTTON 84M WIDE Registration Fee $17.00 First Meeting Fee ....$ 9.00 Regular Price $26.00 YOU SAVE $11.00 IMlw I 'N lnlDV.o Our newest most popular decorator patterns Offer ends October 5, 1991. 97. MiiiimgMMManiinxiiniiw iiiini-iji!Liiiiiimniimiim 1 nMHiimii Start losing weight right away vilh our exciting new "Fast Start17 option. PETER PAN FUNTSTONES 0000 SUN. SAT. SEPT. 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