The Daily Tar Heel from Chapel Hill, North Carolina • Page 16

DTH Omnibus Page 6 Thursday December 10, 1992 DTH Omnibua Page 7 Thursday December 10, 1992 HI, waken S3 Some of the more innovative responses to Omni's 4th Annual Ultimate Quiz of Knowledge (read an interview with the winners on page 2): 18. Why does everyone smoke Camels? Most of you are easily influenced by 12-year-old hipsters (36 percent) and the phallic symbolism on the package (35 percent). 19. What's your favorite nickname for Lenoir food? Hashishit; Food Lion's finest; "Oh my God I've been The Last Supper; You call it food'; Oaf cuisine a la road. 20.

Why are the people on 90210 30 years old and still in high school? Even NCSU rejected them; Too much peroxide harms the brain, causing failure; Lip gloss poisoning made them too stupid to graduate; Nobody passed Sideburn Shaving 101. 2 1 If you had been one of the castaways on GiUigan 's Island you would've: The vast majority have been fantasizing about Mary Anne and Ginger all this time and the rest of you just wanted to kick the shit out of Gilligan. 22. Why is Erik Estrada checking taco licenses in that new Taco Bell commercial? 'Cause he moved from CHiPs to tacos; Roscoe P. Coltrane was busy; Cheaper than hiring real celebrity.

23. How come The Incredible Hulk's pants never ripped clean off? Was he not so Incredible? All the steroids shrunk his dingus up so i "Don't make love by the garden gate because love is blind but the neighbors "Don't drop acid, take it List of top 10 faculty whores in first-floor bathroom in Phillips; "Bad spellers "God is love. Love is blind. Ray Charles is "Don't trust anything that bleeds for a week and (In small print) "You are shitting at a 45 degree "Kevin Kruse is a love "Godot was here." 54. Guys only: When you go out back to take a leak at frat party, what do you say to the other guys as you whip out Mr.

Happy? "Ahhh "Better load the No words necessary, as the 2001 theme song lingers in the air; "The ground sure is cold "Move it, thumb-dick, I've got work to I don't take Mr. Happy out anywhere near a bunch of drunk frat guys; "Don't worry, he don't bite! Whoa, "Stand back or be "We're roughly the same build. From the waist up, of "Look, I'm pissing on your wall." 55. Women only: Have you ever squatted? If so, where was your most interesting squat site? In front of Hanes Art Center, Vacuum cleaner; On a truck tire. 56.

When you're sitting in your closet with no clothes on, talking to your Imaginary friend, what do you say? If I were sitting in a closet with no clothes on, my friend would not be imaginary; "Who are the people in "You have great "Ahhhh "Please pass the "So, what's it like to be Al Gore's daughter, and may I help you remove those "Who am Why am I "You lookin' at me? You lookin' at me? I don't see no one here, so you gotta be lookin' at "Funny I should meet you here! Get out of my "You leftist pig, stop touching "Just hold "Pass the "You look much better in the dark." 57. What will George Bush's next job be? Poster child for the BFA (Big Forehead Association); Stunt double for his buddy Arnold; Imitating Dana Carvey; Apprenticeship with Inspector 12; Drummer for Spinal Tap; Pompous aristocrat; Lip reader; Prison librarian; License plate jockey. 58. What about Dan-no? "You want phries with Murfy Brown's new secretary; The all-gnu Dorf on Golf; Will replace Gary Gnu on the Greate Space Coaster; Giving autografs at Hawaii Five-O conventions; D.J.'s boyfriende on Full House, Chairman of Vowele Termination Comittee. 59.

How long will Old East and Old West look like Beirut? Until Old East switches to a free market economy. 60. Whodoyou wlshfeafw'f survived the '60s? Anyone still wearing bell bottoms; Frank Zappa, for giviiito hippies bad ideas of what to name their kids; Hippies; Jesse Helms; George Bush; Macaulay Culkin wasn't even alive'm. the '60s; Bobby Hurley's parents; The Brady Bunch; Mr. Cash.

61. Do you call Doc Marten look-alikes K-Martens? Only if sold at Wal-Martens. 62. Why Is there always someone sleeping by the plate glass windows in Davis and Union Gallery? Subliminal messages planted over XYC airwaves; It's the site of the Bio 45 ether experiment; The DTH has that effect on some people; Are actually art sculpture; Greenhouse effect; It's performance art, you Philistines. 63.

Do you have to dye your hair to work at Peppers? Of course. Natural-color hair doesn't match the pizza toppings; Nope, you can just shave it all off; Only if it isn't naturallygreen; No, but it's fun to scare health inspectors; Preferably a non-primary color; Yeah, you do, but only one person to each; No, you can pierce your nose. 64. What's the best excuse you've ever used to get a paper extension? Severed hand thrown on professor's lap and explanation about car accident the previous night usually does the trick; I burned my finger on a Flaming Dr. Pepper; Sprained my hand whacking off; Your wife handcuffed me to the bed last night and forgot the key; I always turn my papers in on time; My zipper got caught in the disk drive.

65. Name the movies these quotes come from: a. "Son, you got a panty on your head." The correct answer was Raising Arizona; Other answers included JFK and "That was my dad talking to my boyfriend." b. "What's the matter with a little pizza on our time?" The correct response was Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Other answers included Amadeus and The Autobiography of Chef Boyardee c.

"Tell 'em Large Marge sent ya" If you said Pee Wee's Big Adventure, you are correct, sir! d. "I don't know why they call It Hamburger Helper, Clark. It seems to do just fine by Itself." The correct answer is Vacation, however, you failed to phrase your response in the form of a question. e. "Lloyd, Lloyd, all null and void It's really Say Anything but A Brief History of Time and Impeachment Hearings of fen Lloyd were also lively responses.

f. "Hey, Ahab, can I have ahold of my doobage?" Many of you forgot about the movie that encapsulated the hopes, fears and dreams of our generation, The Breakfast Club. Campus politicos answered The Bill Clinton Story. Jim Henson fans countered with The Muppet Movie. And those crazy English majors dug deep for Moby Dick.

66. What Is the name of the "I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!" bird? Sonny. Other stupid responses: Jerry Brown, Cher, Enrico Palazzo, Woody, Snapple, Jerry Lewis; Dinner, if I ever see him walking alone. 67. Who spent way too much time on this quiz? You did, dummy.

(Don't feel bad, we did, too. Happy Holidays. Love, your Omni Editors. Oh, yeah, God rest ye, merry gentlemen and gentlewomen.) living under the iron rule of a 200-lb. nun; Japan: the Japanese don't understand that it's actually KITT singing; Jersey.

26. What were the names of the old codgers up In the balcony on Tbe JUuppet Show? Their true identities are Stadtler Waldorf. Some of you remembered them a little differendy: Waldorf Astoria; Spangler Hardin; Helms Faircloth; Omni review writers; Bartyles and James; Woodward Bernstein; Hardin Pope; Siskel Ebert; Randolph Mortimer; Perot Stockdale. 27. Did the Muppets make John Denver's career? Like any other show would book him; What I thought he was a Muppet.

28. Speaking of John Denver, whatever happened to Cousin Oliver of Tbe Brady Bunch? In a mental hospital recovering from schizophrenia. "Cousin Ollie? John Denver? Who am Alice killed him; Don't talk like that about my dad; Tiger hid him in the doghouse; Ate Fizz Whizz, drank Coke and died; They left him in the Grand Canyon; Disappeared after the big pie fight; Ollie "The Jinx" fell to his death while bungee-jumping with Alice; Seen Scooter on Muppet Babies lately? 29. Name the artists and songs from which these lyrics cometh: a. "Un-skinny bop bop bop bop" Poison, "Uaskinny Bop" b.

"Elvis was a hero to mostBut he never meant shit to me" Public Enemy, "Fight the Power" "It's poetry In motionWhen she puts her arms 'round me" Thomas Dolby, "She Blinded Me With Science," not Sandra Bernhardt Madonna, as one respondent suggested. d. "I'm in the midst of a traumaLeave a message, I'll call ya back" Janes' Addiction, "Pigs in Honorable mentions for "The Ballad of and "Republican National Anthem" by George Bush. e. "The killer awoke before dawnHe put his boots onHe picked a face from the ancient gallery and heWalked on down the hall" The Doors, "The No, it wasn't Jeffrey Dahmer with "Dahmer Rap." "The man upstairsYou know that he caresIf I had a penny for my thoughts rd be a millionaire The Beastie Boys, Sbadracb 30.

Should the Clef Hangers and The Loreleis be banned from singing In the Pit? Not if the Halloween streaker from two years ago comes back; Only if they begin singing stuff by Ministry (and tried to imitate the sound effects); For all eternity; Yes. If they're from a clef, why would they sing in a Pit'; Only if they start Jell-O wrestling; No. I need something to laugh at during the day; Banned everywhere, They are the pits; Not the Pit of Despair; Nah. From anywhere but there. 31.

Why does Clinton's hair-do look like Wo If man Jack's? And has that raspy voice too? Makes you wonder Due to incredible sex with Russian babes while in Moscow; Hair Club For Men experiment gone awry; It does not, you godless Republicans; Both tried experimental drugs in the '60s. 32. Is Clinton's hair grey or brown? Depends on if he's out of Grecian Formula that morning; It depends. Does he work at Depends on who he's with: Grey Hillary, Brown Gennifer; He got a frost job for the geriatric vote. 33.

Which band will play the inauguration if Tipper Gore has anything to do with it? N.W.A and 2 Live Crew with special guest John Denver; Ice-T; Megadeath; Stryper; Frank Zappa. 34. Why the hell Is she nicknamed Tipper anyway? Secret past as an alcoholic fraternity playboy, which she blamed on the evil forces of rock music; That's what she screams during orgasms; She did Tip O'Neil; That's what everyone did when she worked the Doll House in Myrtle Beach; Gives advice frequently; Rhymes with She tips sleeping cows; Thin ankles; Her favorite song is "I'm a Little I'm not telling. 35. Should Ross Perot have his own Christmas special? If so, what should he call It? A Very Short Christmas; How The Grinch Bought Christmas; Yes, Folks, It's Christmas; The Dwarf That Stole Business; Deck the Halls with Handmade Charts; The Littlest Candidate.

36. Or should he just make a guest appearance on Hee Haw? Hasn't he No, there are enough rednecks on that show already; Yes, and talk about ears of corn. 37. And would Admiral Stockdale be able to find his way out of the cornfield? Only if he turned his hearing aid on; Only if he were flying a crop duster; Could you repeat that' I don't have my glasses on; Yes, by following the bouncing cleavage; "Where am What am I doing here? Hey, Couldn't find his way into the corn field. 38.

Has Ethel Merman ever starred in one of your erotic dreams? If not, who has? Not since therapy; Yes, with Betty White and Chelsea Clinton; Bea Arthur; John El way; A woman who makes amateur wrestling videos who could pop a football between her thighs; Jennifer Brett. 39. If Richard Simmons were sentenced to die, how would you like to see him go? Nell Carter was the heavy favorite to squash Richard but a couple of you wanted him for dinner (two starch and one cheese exchange) or wanted to serve him cans of lard until he had a cardiac arrest 40. What's the most unusual thing anyone's ever yelled while having sex with you? "I'm not touchin' "Oh God! I see light! A bright light! "Watch out, kid, you'll poke your eye "Lectric "OK, now "Do I "Get the cat off my "Jumpin' Jesus on a pogo "Watch out for that "Where's the "Hey! Cut that out, I'm trying to watch "Yes, Rover, yes, that's a good I don't know what it was, but it was definitely Swedish. 41.

If Freud was right, wouldn't guys eat ice cream out of cups and women just eat ice cream cones? Not on this campus; Where would 31 flavors fit into the Freud also said that everyone is 1. Why does Gary Oldman look like one of the Doobic Brothers in Dracula? Movie filmed in China Grove; He drank old black water; Oldman' I thought it was Gary ColemarB 2. Speaking of Dracula, what justification can you give for standing in line four hours to see it? It's a shorter wait than having to get basketball tickets; Seeing Winona Ryder pull at her protruding bust and almost getting a chance to see, just to be denied; I spent five hours doing this survey. Obviously, I was bored; I too damn ugly to get laid (sic) I'm a big Doobie Brothers fan. 3.

Mark Chilton Is: a. the environmentalist biker who trekked across North Carolina for ClintonGore 6 percent b. the Chapel Hill Town Council member voted most likely to dump an entire pitcher of water into his lap during a meeting 22 percent a really cool guy who hangs out In Lenoir all day 22 percent d. all of the above 50 percent (This is the real answer) Other answers: Too durn liberal; A scrub; I think my grandparents like Chilton. No, that's chitlins.

4. What's your best pickup line? "Gee I'm sorry. This button just keeps coming "I stopped seeing my psychiatrist about a little problem that I have with nymphomania last "I like your pants, but they'd look better on my Crook finger at girl to make her walk over to you. Then say, "I just made you come with one finger. Imagine what I could do with die other "If I had a flower for every time I thought of you I could walk in my garden "Hey, you in the plaid, what's your E-Mail account "I've got a "What's your favorite planet' Mine's "I'm clean." 5.

What's the biggest thing you've ever stolen? The 1991 Duke NCAA Basketball Trophy. It was so big that I had to leave it by the Old Well; Big Star chain. Did you Your girlfriend; 36D bra; A 50-lb. piece of basalt; Attempted the west endzone goalpost; A shaven yak; A Shoney's Big Boy; There used to be a planet between Earth and Mars. A three-gallon tub of ice cream from Seconds, Please! 6.

Which is better, Stove Top or potatoes? Stove Top 43 percent; potatoes 57 percent 7. How many people have you ever vomited on (cumulative total)? 69 (on the field after the Tech game from goalpost-motion sickness); Only my mom, and that was after I ate her cooking; Three French hens, two turtle doves (the eggnog made me sick); 14 (if you count those Siamese twins); Only one, but he was a cab driver. 8. Do you enjoy vomiting on people? No. Puke rhymes with Duke; Only if they let me hook up with them afterwards; Beats having them vomit on you; Depends on previous meal.

9. Who were you on Halloween? A potato, even though all my friends were Stove Top; Started as Bob Marley, have no idea who I ended up as; The lunatic flasher; Bart Simpson, who the hell were Transvestite lumberjack. 10. Who was underwear man? Underwear woman's husband; Jim Palmer. 11.

Who was underwear woman? That's Pantywoman to you; June Allison for Depends; Jim Palmer's wife; My X'-fiance. 12. Who's your favorite Omni writer? Kevin Kruse was the unadulterated winner but a few of you voted for the M.C. Dudes (who don't write for us anymore) and Joe Bob Briggs (whose column is no longer worth six bucks a week to the management and has been canceled). 13.

What's the best way to get lint our of your bellybutton? A Dirtdevil; Someone else's tongue; Lee Press-On nails; Those vacuum nozzles in Chem lab; A pig's foot and an imagination; Have an outie. 1 4. Why is Wednesday "hump day" when most people get laid on the weekend? Same reason they call fat guys Camels are taking over the That's when most women finally reach their orgasm. 15. Why does getting leied in Hawaii have a totally different meaning? Those wacky islanders; Because Dan-O Quayle is too young to get laid; It's where Bobby McFerrin advertised for Ocean Spray (lei-lei-lei-lei); We're talking about a place where I drink my ties; Two words: active volcanoes; The aloe in the vera.

16. What is Martlnizing and why does it only take one hour? Refers to former UNC basketball player Warren Martin it took him that long to run down the court; He can't last any longer. 17. Why can't we get our own pizza and pretzels at Union Station anymore? Too many food fights with the Dunkin' Donuts man; Bitch and moan. Me, me, me.

Boy, you guys are selfish. Eat your week-old bagel and be happy about it; No one wants sneezed-on snacks; I went and licked them foo often; Too easy to slip piece of pie in your pants "it 4 '''MWSS llilllHillil Erin Randall photo Potatoes win by a landslide over Stove Top 57 to 43 percent innately bisexual; Women prefer banana splits; Mom never lets me eat ice cream; Who gets Polar Bars? 42. How Is it possible that your boyfriend, who remembers the inning when Bucky Dent his homer to win the 1978 American League Eastern Division playoffs, still forgets your birthday? Dain bramage; Bucky Dent's home run was free; Why do girls know the 1970 mayor of Luke Perry's Poor programming; Babe is ugly; We hit home runs a few times a week; Dent was once in a lifetime; Oh my God! Thanks for reminding me! 43. Do you still have your Members Only jacket? Traded it in for my pair of Vans; No, but my grandpa was buried in his; No, John Caserta stole mine; Yes, along with my wide shoestrings; Hell no. It melted; I'm wearing it now; It was a gift, dammit! A gift! 44.

What sport should never be converted to a Ncrf game? Jai lai or croquet; Cockfighting; Co-ed naked lacrosse; Jell-O wrestling; Roller derby; Sex; Chec'eading. Their heads are already soft. 45. What do you think of the renovations at Top of the Hill? First Big Bertha goes and now Top of the line; We on South Campus hadn't heard that anything had changed; The fence makes it a real pain in the ass to get in; Nice. Roomier.

Better selection; Is it moving Looks like Bottom of a Hole; Almost as hot as renovations to the Intimate Bookshop; They need to add a diving board. 46. What the hell are they still doing to 15-501? Waiting for Fox to give them a TV show: Chapel Hill 15-501 Constructing the set for Labyrinth II; Looking for Jimmy Hoffa; Building munitions for a surprise coup on Odum Village; Making a 20-minute drive last for hours; Removing the dash so that it's 15, 501; They're just trying to piss SEAC off; I'm having it routed directly to my place; Getting kickbacks from the fender shops. 47. Does Miami Subs make up for Hector's? Burn it down and then we'll compare; Does TbeHeightshave great writing? Is Bonjovi's new hair No, but The Gap does; It's Hector's with make-up; No, no, no, a thousand times no.

Death to Miami Subs; That's like asking if a Duke national title makes up for Carolina not winning one; No, but it sure would make Don Johnson feel at home. 48. Why does everyone tell Billy to get a Job? Obviously, he already has one. Irony; 'Cause the last thing you want to hear at 3 a.m. is, "We've got Dat's all we 49.

Did Cheech Marin win the celebrity eqpary tournament? If so, did he donate the proceeds to NORML? Marin did win. He beat out Robin Leach. 50. Who's your favorite local band? Johnny Quest and Sex Police topped the Omni charts, but the sax player on Franklin Street was not far behind. Who gets paid more, anyway? 51.

Do Jon Bon Jovi and Delta Burke have the same hair stylist? You mean they're different Yeah, Major Dad; No, Delta ate hers. 52. What's the best slldegutcrlp course at UNC? The answers sucked for this question. You can do better. 53.

What's your favorite piece of bathroom grafittl? "All men are dicks. If they have one, they are one. If you forget, they'll remind you." He's Not Here; Omnibus; "Suck me, shuck me, eat me On a condom machine in the Union "Don't eat this gum, it tastes like villi! i 'I like your pants, but they'd look better on my floor1 it looked like a liT string bean; Conservation of mass: as some parts grow, others gotta shrink; He was the original underwear man; It's impossible to get a hard-on when you're pissed off; Bill Bixby wore Levi's new loose-fitting jeans. 24. "Honeycomb big, yea yea yea.

It's not small, nono no." Other creative (but wrong) answers: Just like Enos like your penis; Fuck oat bran cho-les-teral; Yea yea yea Fuck no Joe. 25. In what country is David Hasselhoff oIKnigbt Rider and Baywatcb fame a pop-singing sensation? David reigns in fame in the same country that gave us the polka Germany. Alternative responses were: A country where all the women are virgins.